• The Leader

    I brought doughnuts to my son’s pre-school today. Look, I know this delightful pastry doesn’t fall into one of the four food groups. (There are four right?) I also brought milk. In my opinion that cancels out the junk food. Honestly, I forgot it was my turn. I didn’t have time to get to a store. The school assigns a child to be the “leader” each day of the month. Basically, they bribe you. ‘We will give your son a title for the day if you feed the children.’ The kids look forward to this day for weeks. It means they get to stand in the front of the line,…

  • Wake up Call

    I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old tugging on my arm and whispering in my face, “Wake up Mommy.” His breath smelled like he ate garbage for dinner, an onion for dessert and gargled with toilet water. My kids are mouth breathers. He came into my bedroom in the middle of the night after having a nightmare. What does a 4-year-old have nightmares about? He couldn’t remember. Perhaps he went with Dora to save a princess and The Map gave them wrong directions. Or maybe the cops finally arrested Dora’s parents on child endangerment charges because Dora is wandering the earth without adult supervision. Regardless, he came running in…

  • Prayers For Tommy

    On this day of worship Tom Brady’s wife wants us to pray for her husband. Forget your ailing relative, unemployed friend or the homeless guy sleeping on a bench. Tommy needs a trophy. My prayer: Dear God, please let Giselle develop a thyroid condition and become morbidly obese. Let her wake up one morning with her nipples pointing toward her toes. May she one day have to clean a toilet with her bare hands, wash dishes and do laundry. Then, have to take a bus to work. Amen. I will be watching the Superbowl tonight. I wasn’t invited to a party and probably wouldn’t have gone anyway. I would like…

  • Whip it Good!

    Demi Moore is having a mid-life crisis. At least that is what Star Magazine says and we know that is the gospel. They claim she is partying and doing drugs to hang on to her youth. She might as well wear nylons with sandals while sitting on her davenport. Nothing says you’re old like doing “whip-it’s.” My son saw this story on television and was bewildered. “What is a whip-it?” Getting high off nitrous oxide is so 1990. “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?” No, I don’t think drug addiction is funny. The idea of a supposed “A-list” celebrity sucking off a whip cream…