Category Archives: SHE SAID WHAT?

Helen Mirren grants wish for dying boy

  By Cynical Mother | May 23, 2013 - 12:54 am | SHE SAID WHAT?
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The Queen of England is a bitch. It’s not a secret. So, would she grant a dying kid’s wish to have tea at Buckingham Palace? It’s unlikely, but Oliver Burton got the next best thing. The 10-year-old has Down’s syndrome and was recently diagnosed with terminal spine and bone marrow cancer. Burton wanted to meet royalty. So, a few charities organized to have Helen Mirren step in. Mirren dressed in full costume and stayed in character the entire time. The two enjoyed tea and sandwiches. Burton’s parents say their son thought she was Queen Elizabeth II and it was a dream come true for a little boy who may only have weeks to live. Mirren deserved the Oscar for her role in the movie “The Queen.” She just topped that performance. Bravo!

 

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Hair Bow Obsession

  By Cynical Mother | May 23, 2013 - 12:06 am | SHE SAID WHAT?
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I am obsessed with hair accessories for my daughter.  She doesn’t leave home without a bow that compliments her outfit.  Why?  I think they are pretty.  I also like it when people compliment her.  It must suck to have ugly kids. Actually, if your kids are ugly you should accessorize even more.  Relax, I am kidding. (sort of)  My daughter can be feminine and kick ass on a soccer field.  Someday,  she may refuse to wear them, but until then here is a sample of our collection:

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I could not resist buying more bows today when I saw a sale on Very Jane.  They only cost $1.50 each. You can’t even buy a bottled soda for $1.50.   I know, I know, I am out of control.

Very Jane has a new deal everyday on boutique merchandise.   They have everything from clothing, jewelry to unique items like these personalized serving platters.

A platter would make a great gift when you attend  a summer BBQ.  I never knew you were supposed to give the host/hostess a gift until I worked as a nanny in the Hamptons.   In my neck of the woods we just brought our own beer and lawn chairs.  My Bridgehampton boss shopped for parties before receiving a single invitation in the mail.  She had a closet stocked with host/hostess gifts.  She also paid to get her hair blown out everyday.  She paid someone to dry her hair.  I color my hair at home and sometimes it shows. (My hair dresser is shaking her head. )

Speaking of BBQ’s,  how cute are these chalkboard stands to label food at a buffet.   I don’t organize parties on a regular basis because the idea of people going in my house to use the bathroom freaks me out.  I don’t want to clean toilets my own children have used.  I certainly don’t want to clean the neighbor’s shit stain off the bowl.  Plus, how do I know his kid isn’t a Kleptomaniac.  I don’t need anyone stealing my gold tone jewelry.  However, I would totally use these if I had fancy parties.  They are cute and you don’t have to answer the annoying guy who has to ask, “What’s this?”  and “What is this?”over and over again.  He can just enjoy the free food and shut up.

I would love to buy these pillow covers. The pillows included with our patio are covered in palm trees and pine cones.  I am pretty sure the two don’t go together.  Of course, my children would never allow me to rest my head, but at least my pillows would look good.

Full disclosure:  I am affiliated with Very Jane, but I wouldn’t promote crap I didn’t like.

 

Daily Boutique Deals

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Breaking Dawn

  By Cynical Mother | May 22, 2013 - 1:08 pm | SHE SAID WHAT?
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Twilight fans are, once again, crying in their Ed & Bella pillowcases. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have officially called it quits. I have not seen a single movie in the Twilight series. All I know is that Kristen Stewart looks like she hasn’t showered in a decade. My children have zero interest in the films either. My 13-year-old showed me this hysterical clip of Will Ferrell on Conan discussing the couple’s first breakup.

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Not my job

  By Cynical Mother | May 22, 2013 - 12:13 pm | SHE SAID WHAT?
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My name is Deanna and I am an enabler. (Hi, Deanna) If something isn’t done I will do it myself. Thus, I am always the one doing the menial chores. Well, that is going to stop because I am doing my children a disservice.

I came home from the store a few days ago and much to my amazement my husband unloaded the dishwasher. I applauded and busted out a cheer from my high school days. Yes, I was a cheerleader. It was a brief experiment. My legs are like bricks. My Herkie looked more like a country music line move. Plus, cheerleading skirts and cankles don’t mix. “We are proud of you, hey! We are proud of you,” I chanted. My 13-year-old looked confused. “Are you being sarcastic? I don’t get it. Dad did you a favor.” (Cue: sound of tires screeching)
Excuse me? You could have heard a pin drop. I went all Susan B. Anthony on his ass. “Did me a favor? That is not my job! Am I the only one who uses dishes? He did me a favor because I am a woman? Men can put dishes away too!” My husband held his breath while I continued. At this point I was talking so loud and fast spit was flying, “I am not the maid.” My son looked terrified, “I’m sorry Mom.” He damn well better be. Someday his wife will thank me for this rant.

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Tooth Fairy Fail

  By Cynical Mother | May 20, 2013 - 12:40 pm | SHE SAID WHAT?
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I would like to apologize to our neighbors and plead with them not to call child protective services. My 6-year-old was not being abused last night in spite of the screams reverberating through the street. He lost a tooth. Yes, that is it. He loses his mind at the sight of blood. Actually, he goes to the school nurse for even the tiniest scratch. His tooth was dangling by a very thin thread. With one gentle twist it broke loose.

Once the tears dried my kids were imaging aloud what the tooth fairy might bring. My 3-year-old daughter, who obviously just returned to 2013 via a DeLorean equip with a flux capacitor, said ,”The tooth fairy is going to bring chocolate coins wrapped in gold paper.” Settle down Willie Wonka. The penny candy store closed a few decades ago. In our town it was a little corner shop in the basement of a house called “Quartley’s.” What the hell were our parents thinking sending us in there alone? Mr. Quartley was absolutely miserable. Can you blame him? We would go into the store with a quarter and leave with 10 different pieces of candy. I will take one Sour Patch Kid, two juju fish, one tootsie roll, etc. Mr. Quartley scooped the candy into small brown bags with his bare hands. We didn’t ask or even care if he washed his hands after taking a #2. His hairy fingers were the only thing standing between us and sugar.

My oldest told my 6-year-old he would get money under his pillow. I envisioned my son nagging me to take him to the store to spend the $5. He would be pissed when he realized five bucks doesn’t even buy a bubble wand. My kindergartner must think the Tooth Fairy is related to Santa Claus because he declared, “The tooth fairy is going to bring me a toy!” He smiled revealing the cute gap in his mouth.

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F***! I was ready for bed, but couldn’t let my son down. So, I drove to Walmart at 9 o’clock. I purchased a new Superman Lego because I haven’t stepped on nearly enough Legos. I actually walked around all day with a Lego arm down my shirt. It’s the most action I’ve gotten in a while.

The Lego cost slightly
more than a $5 payout. However, If I didn’t go to Walmart late at night I would have missed seeing a man wearing a dog collar, a woman watching a movie on the Vizio flat screen TVs or my husband’s Father’s Day gift:

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My son woke up this morning and immediately noticed the toy and note.

You are a good boy! Now, that you lost your first tooth you are becoming a big boy! Good job!

Love,
The Tooth Fairy

My 6-year-old said, “That’s nice, but I wish she would have left me a coin.” So, I could’ve saved $19.75? (Sigh)

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Road Rage

  By Cynical Mother | May 19, 2013 - 1:52 am | SHE SAID WHAT?
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I am guilty of road rage.  Well, it’s actually watered down road rage.  I am not a complete lunatic.  I haven’t crashed my car into another vehicle or assaulted anyone.  I bite my tongue most of the time when my children  are in the car.   However, when you are going through perimenopause some things are out of your control.  Most recently, I yelled at a driver who didn’t turn right when the light was red.  “It’s right on RED,”  I shouted through my windshield. He didn’t hear me because we were separated by glass and metal.  My kids were watching Tangled Ever After for the millionth time at an ear pounding volume. You aren’t tied down Rapunzel.   Jump out of the damn tower already.   “Come oooonnnn!  Right on red. Right on red!”  My low pitched screams sounded eerily similar to “Red rum! Red rum!”  Listen,  I was late to an appointment.  I am always late.  At this point I was perspiring and close to foaming at the mouth while Mandy Moore sang in the background.  “Oh, what the hell!  Go, you idiot!”  My daughter asked, “What’s wrong Mommy?”  I took a deep breath.  Mommy was acting like a complete fool.   Comic Louis CK has a great bit about road rage.  It makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it.

 

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It’s mine, all mine!

  By Cynical Mother | May 18, 2013 - 12:58 am | SHE SAID WHAT?
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My daughter has Spidey senses. She can smell food long after it has entered my digestive system. “Mom, what are you eating?” Nothing. Well, not nothing, but it’s mine. Kids take everything from you. I do have my very own candy stash hidden in my house. Caramels, butterscotch discs and root beer barrels are a few of my favorites. (I am going to be very popular at the nursing home.) I know if I share with my daughter my son will want one. Then, my husband will find them. Today I tried to sneak a few Tootsie Rolls before taking my daughter to the park. We have a play set at our house, but it didn’t come with a kid whose nose is constantly oozing snot, an obnoxious mother smoking a cigarette while pushing her toddler on the swing or sexually explicit graffiti. So, my daughter insists on using the public swings and slides. I was helping with her shoes when my 3-year-old daughter began sniffing my face like a dog. “What are you eating?” Nothing. I already ate it. She leans in a little closer. “I smell something yummy.” Nope, not here. Sniff, Sniff. “It’s candy.” I don’t know what you are talking about. Tears. “I want one!” Damn it. .

Now, I don’t have anything left in my candy stash. If I can’t binge on junk food what the hell am I supposed to do on a Friday night? At least I still have ecards to make me happy. This one made me giggle:

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Things that may you go hmmmm….

  By Cynical Mother | May 17, 2013 - 2:00 am | SHE SAID WHAT?
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Sometimes a trip to Walmart brings me such joy. It’s not because it’s one big pajama party. Every so often you discover astonishing merchandise.

Close your eyes and step back into 1991. You are in the club, rocking bike shorts and a neon shirt when the dj spins some C+C Music Factory. File this one under “Things That Make You Go Hmmmmmm….”

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I wish I could have been in the conference room when this brilliant idea was pitched.

Designer: I have an idea that is going to take this company to the next level. It’s a (dramatic pause) t-shirt that looks like a dress shirt. Oh, but it’s not just any dress shirt. We give the illusion that the man is wearing a sweater and a bow tie. We don’t stop there. There will be a name tag on the sweater where we quote an overplayed song by a group that broke up. It says Hello I’m….Sexy and I Know It.

Bam! They are mass produced. You can expect it to be worn this summer at the county fair or fire hall wedding reception.

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Deuce

  By Cynical Mother | May 16, 2013 - 2:11 am | SHE SAID WHAT?
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I was told this morning that I looked “tiny.” I am 5’7 1/2 and the only tiny thing on my body is my pinky toe. Even it is larger than average and bends slightly inward. I have been working out, but don’t feel thinner. I definitely feel older, having to ice my achy body after every cardio routine. I am not trying to be a size 2. I run, lift, lunge, etc. to maintain my sanity. Now that I am home more with the kids I need all the natural endorphins I can get. The next person who says “It must be nice that you don’t have to work” is going to get punched in the face. Bitches, Dolly Parton had it easy. I would kill to clock in at nine and out at five.

I try to set aside at least 45 minutes several times a week to exercise. If my kids interrupt I give the hand signal. Unless they are bleeding or about to bleed it can wait. Your sister took your spot on the couch? Talk to the hand You want a snack even though we finished dinner five minutes ago? Talk to the hand He is copying you? Talk to the hand My daughter is the only one who doesn’t quite understand. So, on occasion, I cave and read Cinderella books while running on the treadmill.

Another Mom at my son’s school inquired about my workout routine.
Before I could open my mouth to answer he blurted out, “Yeah she sweats a lot. I mean, A LOT! It’s disgusting.” Phew! I almost had a little confidence before that comment. We wouldn’t want that would we? Then again, maybe having too much confidence is a bad thing. Take for example, the teenage girl at my son’s tennis match tonight. She was so proud of her body she was letting it all hang out. I will give her the benefit of the doubt that she misunderstood her Mom’s instructions. Perhaps she thought she was going to the OBGYN instead of playing tennis again. This cartoon summarizes how I feel about her summer attire:

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