My son’s teacher presented each student with an award. There was an award for the kindest kid, best listener, handy helper, greatest giggle, etc. My son was the last one to be called up. His teacher (who was amazing) said he deserved so many awards that she couldn’t choose. So, he got the “Sensational Student Award.” I clapped politely, but inside I was screaming, “Yeah! That’s my boy! We win! Take your giggle award and go home.”

Then, the teacher busted out the year review slideshow and I lost it again. I couldn’t believe how much my son has grown since the first day of school. He glanced over at me, rolled his eyes and said, “Oh, here we go. She is crying again.” Everybody laughed, myself included. He doesn’t get it. He won’t until he becomes a parent. I will cry on that day, too.

Here is a memorable dessert.  A mother in Indiana ordered a graduation cake for her daughter.  She wanted a “small cap”  on her daughter’s head.  The person who took the order heard something completely different.  The result is fantastic.

What makes this story even better is that he not only mowed our lawn, but cut the neighbor’s grass too. He was trying to be helpful. She came outside with a horrified look on her face probably expecting to see E.T. Instead she saw my husband cruising on a Toro in a white tank top. (Another true story. He bought it himself a few weeks ago. Cue the banjo.) Of course, he insists I must broken the mower. The lawn didn’t look this bad when I did it. (Yet another true story)

My Dad has always put his kids first. Growing up he worked two jobs to provide for our family. He never complained. I did. I was a child who couldn’t see beyond my own shadow.
Basically, I was Nellie Oleson in a Michael Jackson concert t-shirt.

I may still be a bitch, but I look at my Dad differently now. I appreciate everything he does. Well, I don’t particularly enjoy being lectured when I discipline my kids, but alas. I guess it’s not the end of the world if they use wire hangers. My father loves his grandchildren unconditionally. He would do anything for them. I hope they realize it a lot sooner than I did.

For the father who likes to drink hard liquor on the go.

The perfect gift for the Dad who is a real-life Archie Bunker.

This gift says Dad, you’re a fat ass.

This is a practical gift for a man who won’t ask for help. (Which is just about every man on earth.)

I told my children they aren’t allowed to watch YouTube unsupervised. It’s not like Saturday morning cartoons. A cute stop motion animation Lego video can end with a figurine saying, “Mother f*****!” or soft core porn. Oh, Davey.

It turns out my son didn’t do anything wrong. I did. There was an assembly at his school earlier in the day. It was a ceremony to recognize classroom volunteers. Yes, I did volunteer once a week in my son’s room. Why does that surprise you? I got the memo, but envisioned an auditorium of mothers marching on stage to collect certificates. I intentionally skipped it. Well, little did I know the children would be involved. Volunteers were presented with a single rose. My son watched and waited for his Mom to show up. I never did. This is a big deal for a kindergartner. I felt horrible and took him for a guilt flavored ice cream cone. Then, I put another quarter in the “pay for kid’s therapy” jar.

This morning I went in for my last volunteer shift of the school year. I said hello to one of his classmates, “How are you today.” He replied, “Good today, but yesterday, um, wasn’t.” I had to ask, “What was wrong yesterday honey.” He looked me directly in the eyes. “Well, your son cried a lot because you didn’t show up for our assembly.” His teacher giggled. Thanks for throwing salt on my wound kid.

Used Car Ad

This used car ad made me laugh. There isn’t an obnoxious salesman screaming into a camera. This was posted on Ebay. The vehicle description is fantastic.

“Since owning the vehicle, it has been thrashed, raced, rallied, and the interior has been smashed up in a domestic, not to mention the time my wife booted the wing because I suggested she eat a salad or two. ( please refer to photo of foot next to dent for reference).”

“If you are looking for an immaculate, well maintained example of a Mercedes e320 CDI… you have come to the wrong place. If however, you are low on self esteem, with a strapped budget, but shooting for the stars, welcome to my auction.”

I may be interested. I have been having one problem after another with my minivan. I took it into the shop yesterday with a flat tire. The mechanic put the car on the lift, removed a nail and patched the tire. Then, he signaled for me to follow him outside, “You are all set, no charge.” I told my husband he was probably hitting on me, thought I was hot. My 13-year-old overheard the conversation and laughed as if to say, “Very funny mother, you troll.” Is it so hard to believe that someone would find me attractive. Hasn’t he heard the song “Stacey’s Mom?”

I am not a professional photographer, but here are a few pictures I snapped.

This guy wants his MTV and to cut off the circulation to his feet. #ELASTICSWEATPANTS

This is painted outside a Chinese restaurant. You can park here, but don’t you think about praking.