Late for an important date

We were late to the 4th of July festivities. Like most families we arrived wearing matching red, white and blue clothing. Is there really any other way to show you’re a proud American than to dress kids who aren’t twins like twins? We decided to forgo face paint. I don’t love anything enough to look like Coco the Clown.

I understand it is important to be on time. I want to be on time. I don’t need another passive aggressive person making jokes. Bravo to you for always being early. You have secured more restaurant tables than anyone I know. I never intend to keep you waiting. I am usually ready to leave the house on schedule. My children cause the delays.

Some people may say things like
Well, you’re the parent

You are in charge, not them

They need discipline

To them I politely say, “F**k off.” I have to pick my battles or I would constantly be at war. I choose to fight over things that could cause them bodily harm. I will have you know I have zero tolerance for running with scissors or playing with fire. Plus, a tantrum is both mentally and physically exhausting. Now, I am not only late, but sweating. There is no greater challenge than putting a kid who has morphed into a “wet noodle” into a vehicle.

If I told you the reasons why I’ve been late you wouldn’t believe me. Here are a few legitimate excuses I have had over the years. I can’t make this up.

We were late because…..

1.) my daughter realized at the last minute that she didn’t look like a zebra. So, she had to change her clothes.

2.) My son couldn’t find his favorite dinosaur that looks exactly like all of the other dinosaurs in the dinosaur bucket. It is not to be confused with the train bucket or the superhero bucket.

3.) My daughter needed me to write her name on her water bottle so nobody would steal it from my hand. Apparently, safeguards must be in place because Aqua Fina has a high resale value on the streets.

3.) My daughter thought she had to poop after we drove to the end of our street. She was wrong.

3.) My daughter’s imaginary friend wouldn’t get in the car.  She can walk.

4.) My son couldn’t tie his shoes. They were Velcro.

5.) My son didn’t get to open the car door

6.) My daughter didn’t get to open the car door

7.) Because my daughter needed to perform a musical/circus act before she could get in the car

8.) Because my son needed a snack: he wanted crackers, but they weren’t the right shape. He couldn’t eat squares that day.

9.) Because the dog told my daughter he didn’t want us to leave… in Spanish.

10.)Because my daughter looks like a zebra.