Flush it

There is something you have to be prepared to do if you want to become a mother. You must announce when you are pooping. If you are not pooping, pretend to be pooping. You don’t need to give a Meryl Streep performance. Think Jesse Spano.

It is the only way you stand a chance of being left alone in the bathroom. You don’t need a megaphone, but that is not a bad idea when your children are screaming your name over and over again. You will not get privacy by merely announcing that you’re in the lavatory. Urine is not an effective child repellent either. Miss Manners is cringing, but you have to use the word poop. Of course, this tactic won’t work with toddlers. After all, they would rather sit in their own filth than learn how to use the potty. And their toilets light up and play music. I would be eating Raisin Bran and drinking prune juice everyday if the toilet was entertaining.

Hell, a toddler has no problem hosting a tea party at your feet while you drop a deuce. However, as they get older poop is gross. The word is funny. A fart is hysterical. Your poop is disgusting. You are disgusting. Actually, for a few years everything you do and say is disgusting. My daughter recently told me,in her best valley girl voice, that I was “really gross.” What did I do? I was breathing.

Allow me to illustrate the power of the word “poop.” This method is not guaranteed to work with children under 4 years of age.

Mom raises voice slightly, but still manages to sound like June Cleaver .

She speaks a little louder.

Now, she is getting anxious. She speaks slowly, enunciating each word as if giving directions to a foreigner.

Mom flushes her dignity down the toilet, but enjoys a moment of silence.