In recognition of your service

I have a friend who just celebrated his ten year anniversary at his place of employment. To show their appreciation for his years of service the company is allowing him to pick one item out of a provided catalog. Here are a few of the options:

Nothing says thank you for your hard work better than an uncomfortable folding chair. Now, settle down champ. The lounge chair with the attached cup holder is reserved for employees who have worked twenty years at the company. Until then, you and the other valued long term employees can sit together and hold your drinks in your hands like the b*tches you are.

For ten long years you have walked around wearing wrinkled clothing. The shame was almost too much to bear. Passersby turned up their noses in disgust at the uneven pleats in your pants. Housewives giggled at the sight of your wrinkled blouse. You could have purchased this at Walmart for $9.99, but you were determined to earn it by working eight hours a day, five days a week, for a decade.

A triple pack of cookie sheets? F*ck yeah! The years of longing to bake cookies are over. You are no fool. You knew it would pay off to be belittled by a manager who wears short sleeve dress shirts and rubber overshoes year round. Now, your free time will be spent doing what you love most; putting fork marks in peanut butter cookies.

Finally, you can use the crockpot recipes your relative posts on Facebook every other day. You can whip up a stew for the company party. It will go great with the dishes prepared by the lady in the front office who allows her cats to walk on the kitchen counter while she cooks.

This is my favorite item in the catalog.

“Spark excitement at your next dinner party with these vividly designed porcelain plates.”

Who hasn’t been to a party and said “This dinner party is great, but it would be more exciting if they served food on dishes designed by a bleach blonde reality star who chews like an absolute slob and wears sunglasses on the back of his head .” You’ve helped made this company what it is today. Who needs a cash bonus when you can have tattoo appetizer plates? …. and just in time for the holidays.