Dear Facebook friend,
It is time. This relationship is over. It’s not you. It’s… No, actually it is you. I can no longer stomach your daily posts. Even Pinocchio would read each one with a furrowed brow.
Who in the hell gets ridiculously excited to go to the grocery store, library or dry cleaners? I enjoy a ‘buy one bag of potato chips get three free’ deal as much as the next girl, but not enough to use a fireworks emoji. I am pretty sure I have an overdue fee for a book my child carried home from the library. He didn’t actually read it. I must have missed the Facebook post about you dragging a child out of the children’s section kicking and screaming because he needed ‘five more minutes’ to play with the germ covered puzzles.
Where are the posts about the arguments with your husband or the insistent fighting among your children? Am I to believe you are the only mother in the world that doesn’t have to count to three at least 99 times a day?
There is no way your kids sat through an entire movie without one complaint. You don’t enjoy driving them to dance lessons or baseball practice EVERYDAY. You don’t like to snuggle and watch Caillou. Nobody likes Caillou.
Your children don’t always clean up after themselves either. Quite frankly, I think the man upstairs shakes his head when you use #BLESSED after your son puts his cup in the kitchen sink.
My children complain from time to time about going to church, but not yours. Your little angels have permanent grins on their faces. They look like they stepped out of a Hanna Anderson catalog.
Your husband made you dinner? Neat. He surprised you and came home from work early just to help out. Great. What about the other 363 days in the year?
Everyday is not full of rainbows and lollipops. You struggle like the rest of us. You cry. You hurt. You get pissed off. I don’t expect every post to be negative. I don’t want you to be miserable, but enough of the baloney. Don’t bother requesting my friendship when my profile shows up under “People You May Know.”
Nobody’s life is that perfect. Well, unless you spend your days and nights with Ryan Gosling. That is worthy of a fireworks emoji.