I am convinced my children were game show hosts in a past life. They are constantly making me guess things, but there is never a prize. Every statement begins with one question: “Guess what?” I am at a disadvantage. I would have to be the ‘Long Island Medium’ to guess correctly and that’s impossible because my curling iron retired in the 1990s.
I recently jotted down some of the interesting things that followed after my children said, “Guess what?” Well, that’s a lie. I didn’t jot anything. Who jots anymore? We keep notes on our phones. ‘I typed on my phone’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Anyway, here are a few of my favorites:
“Guess what?” …..
“What?” (Children will speak out of turn on a regular basis, but they won’t finish a sentence unless you say ‘What’ until you are blue in the face)
….. “The caterpillar hatched at school.”
How the hell was I supposed to guess that? A minute ago we were talking about the character you unlocked on Lego Batman. Plus, I thought caterpillars were cut from the Common Core curriculum.
“Guess what? (While eating dinner) ….. You have silver hairs on top of your head.”
Tell me something I don’t know kid.
“Guess what? (While playing with the Barbie Dream House) ….. This Barbie’s mom is dead. She wasn’t nice. ”
Is she threatening me? Did she see this tactic on an episode of the Sopranos?
“Guess what? ….. I slept in the corner of my bed.”
Damn it, I was going to guess you slept in the middle. It’s a good thing I didn’t place any money on that bet.
“Guess what? …... I just burped and it tasted like the cheese I had for lunch”
I believe that is why the hashtag “TMI” was invented.
“Guess what? …… I don’t really like those meatballs”
I could never have guessed that judging by the tantrum you threw 30 minutes ago when I told you I was making spaghetti and meatballs. Well, guess what? I don’t like cooking them. How about we do a little experiment where you try to survive off the land?
“Guess what? ……. I ate the grapes you packed in my lunch today.”
Well, I didn’t pack it as a decoration. I am pleased. Especially since I found out you throw out most of the food in your lunch box. Let’s skip the middleman and I will throw my paycheck directly in the garbage can every two weeks. I don’t mind that I’m using my Botox funds to buy overpriced snacks that go to waste.
“Guess what? ….. “Doug” (withholding child’s actual name to protect myself) got a red card today.”
Was he playing soccer or misbehaving? I would never have guessed that because I don’t know “Doug.” I couldn’t pick him out of a line up and judging by his behavior that may be a possibility one day.
“Guess what?….. someone got mud on the floor in the hallway at school.”
I hope they launch an investigation and find the criminal responsible.