When you gotta go, you gotta go. Jonathan Lowe, a reporter for KPHO, was arrested on Monday afternoon for defecating on a front lawn. The 33-year-old was seen by a neighbor leaning against a wall and relieving himself. Investigators said Lowe admitted going to the bathroom on the lawn. “I know what you want to talk to me about. I’ve been feeling very sick and I’ve been stuck in this van all day,” he said, according to the report. Lowe was charged with public defecation. He faces a fine of $2,500 or six months in jail for the misdemeanor. I feel bad for this reporter. I had a similar incident happen to me while reporting at a local television station during the 6 p.m. news. My stomach startled gurgling before a live shot. I was panicked, sweating and pleading for God to save me. I will never swear again. I won’t ever jaywalk again. I will drive the speed limit unless I am going on vacation and accidentally drive to the wrong airport. The good lord above allowed me to get through this story without dropping a deuce in my polyester pant suit. The camera light went out in time for me to get to a nearby Starbucks. Someone recognized me en route to the ladies room. “Are you…?” I cut them off and answered. “Yes. Nice to meet you.” I am not a celebrity or full of myself. I just didn’t have time for small talk. I was so relieved (pun intended) that I made it to a bathroom until I tried to flush the toilet and it wouldn’t flush. I frantically wiggled the handle. Nothing. Why me? Why? For a brief moment I thought about living in the Starbucks bathroom for the rest of my life. I could do this. It’s spacious and I would never run out of coffee. Then, someone knocked on the door. I could do the walk of shame or walk out with my head held high. I chose the latter. “You don’t want to go in there. Someone clogged the toilet. It is disgusting.” The woman shook her head. “Some people are so gross.” I nodded.
I hope Lowe doesn’t lose his job. He should, however, carry some grocery bags with him on his next assignment.