I now know what hell is like. It’s being stuck in a 10 x 12 foot room with three children. There is a container of tongue depressors and chair that spins, but isn’t considered a toy. Yes, I’m speaking about a doctor’s office. I made the brilliant decision to make two appointments with an ENT doctor in one day. I figured it would save me a trip. My oldest was scheduled to meet with the doctor at 3:15. My 5-year-old’s appointment was at 3:45. If you live in Oz that might work out. Sure, we went into the exam room on schedule. Then we sat there for an hour. I…

My boys can no longer share a bedroom. It was good while it lasted. They didn’t have to share. We have four bedrooms. However, their grandparents are constantly buying them shit and we needed a toy room. Anyway, (I ain’t the grammar police, but please stop putting an s on that word.) I spent three hours clearing out the toy room. Most of the toys were transferred to my younger son’s bedroom. The ones they’ve outgrown went into the basement. Eventually, I will donate the boxes for a tax write-off. I mean, to the less fortunate out of the goodness of my heart. First, I need to come to terms…

First 80 degree day of the year. Celebrating with a dip in our white trash inflatable kiddie pool (will upload pictures of me doing a cannon ball later) and slip n’ slide. Having a blast! Who needs an in ground pool? Um, me.

My 5-year-old is sick. Again. There isn’t enough Purell in the world to keep this kid healthy. His classmates were never taught to cover a sneeze or cough. Isn’t funny how other people’s kids disgust you? Oh, is that just me? Anyway, poor guy has a head cold. Tonight, just as I sank my head into the pillow, he had a coughing fit. So, I texted my husband to put Vicks Vapor Rub on his feet. Look, I don’t know if it’s an old wives tale, but with just about every children’s cold medicine recalled I will try anything. Yes, we were in the same house at the time. If…

Reason number 1,000,001 why I hate shopping at discount grocery stores: As I debated whether or not it was safe to buy cheese (I decided it was not) a woman directly in front of me farted. Sure, it is classier to say she “passed gas,” but this was vulgar. It was a loud, wet fart and she didn’t flinch. She didn’t apologize, get red faced or even giggle. My children have been manners. She just continued walking with her cart full of Ducky Charms Cereal and Fay’s Chips. Everyone heard it. She heard it. God knows she felt it. She didn’t care. Telling by her overgrown toe nails and excessive…

My 5-year-old is wise beyond his years. He proved it today at a convenience store. I promised him we would get a pack of gum after school. He is suddenly obsessed with learning to blow bubbles. He basically just spits everywhere. We were greeted by a clerk with purple hair and lug nuts in her ears. As we turned the corner to the candy aisle there stood a grown man wearing a Beavis & Butthead t-shirt. (I love the mini-mart crowd.) My son recognized the characters on his shirt because my husband is trying to relive his youth via Netflix. I suppose it is better than buying Rogain, gold chains…

These are my favorite gifts! I’m not saying I wouldn’t enjoy a trip to the spa or a necklace from Tiffany & Co. The bouquet of flowers my husband bought at midnight at Walmart (when he remembered today was Mother’s Day) are just as valuable. So what that I almost died delivering our daughter. I was past the due date and in the hospital to get induced. I chuckled when signing a form that recused the doctor of any legal responsibility if I died. This isn’t 1922. Little did I know that an hour later I would suffer a Placenta Abruption. It happened suddenly. I felt a gush of fluid…

I am going to confess. I did not breastfeed my children. Blasphemy! There were several occasions, however, in which I wanted to tell the lactation consultant to “Suck it!” I tried to breastfeed the first two. They wouldn’t latch on. Thankfully, I had a lady whose nipples rested on her belly beating me up over it. She poured the guilt on thicker than my mother-in-law. I wanted my babies to guzzle the nutritious goo that comes out in the first few days. Plus, did she think I wanted to spend $5 on each bottle of formula? Formula that smells like crotch rot. No. Besides with baby number two I was…

I may have to bitch slap an assistant at the orthodontist office. First of all, this broad is in the wrong business. She has some serious snaggle teeth. She makes the Brits look good. (I’m kidding, my English fans. Your teeth look great yellow and layered on top of of one another.) Sure, we were 10 minutes late to our appointment. Maybe I had to stop to rescue a child from a river. I didn’t, but she doesn’t know that. Anyway, there have been several occasions when they were running late . I didn’t say a word about it or the fact that all their magazines date back to the…