• Hair we are!

    My morning began with beauty advice from my 2-year-old. This is the same girl who thinks red goes with purple. After pointing out the stain on my pajama shirt she offered to give me a haircut….. with a saw. Sure, it was a toy saw, but she could have chosen plastic pliers. At least pliers actually resemble scissors. I suppose I’m lucky she didn’t pick out a screw driver. It turned out to be a rather pleasant “haircut.” It was definitely better than the one I got in 1999. I was 8 months pregnant with acne like a pubescent teenager. I walked out of the salon looking like Dorothy Hamill…

  • Poem for my husband

    Socks on the floor. And nothing more Put them in the Damn Hamper. You wore them all day. And now there they lay. Put them in the Damn Hamper. I’m sure than stink. More than you think. Put them in the Damn Hamper. This isn’t a dream. I am going to scream. Put them in the Damn Hamper.  

  • Oh say can you see?

    I don’t see what people are complaining about. This rendition of the national anthem isn’t so bad. It sounds like every other song by The Fray. At least the lead singer remembered the words. They could have hired someone like Nicki Minaj. That broad would probably let a nip slip during “The land of the free…..” We should be complaining about those kids in Kentucky setting fires and breaking stuff to celebrate. They need to be put in time out. Watch this video on YouTube

  • You like that?

    I think I might write a book about Facebook etiquette. There are people out there over using the “Like” button. Actually, let me start by talking about “Poking.” What the hell is wrong with you? If you stuck your finger in my ribs or back I would deck you. I definitely don’t want a person I haven’t spoken to in 10 years poking me on a social media site. The very idea of it give me the creeps. You also shouldn’t use your personal Facebook page to sell Mary Kay. Hey, like I’ve said, I know Aretha Franklin made the pink Cadillac seem so appealing. I’m not going to help…

  • April Fools

    It’s that time of the month where idiots tell bold face lies and then shout “April Fools” in your face. I don’t like to be toyed with. You always have that guy that takes it a little too far. “The house is on fire.” “Your dog is dead.” “I crashed into your car.” That’s not funny. In fact, in kind of pisses me off. You’re amused that I almost had a heart attack? My kids also partake in this annual tradition. Last year my son told me his brother pooped in the living room. It was plausible so I grabbed paper towels and prepared to scrub. Since it was my…

  • Honesty is the Best Policy

    I am in a mood. It could be the lack of sleep or the fact that I’m bloated. It’s going to take a good five to seven days and chocolate to feel like myself again. Not even those colored tampons could brighten my day. What a ridiculous idea. What woman sits around and says, “I really wish I had a yellow, purple or blue tampon to cram in my bloody va-jay-jay. This plain white one is so out of style.”) There was something that made me laugh today. The kids were at the in-laws house. Their grandmother cooked up some bland sweet potatoes and dry chicken. When the kids didn’t…