• Losing Love Handles

    This website allows you to search for exercises that will get rid of your “problem areas.” I basically need to do all of them. I just want arms that don’t keep waving once I have stopped. It would also be nice if I didn’t get a brush burn between my legs when I walk. I tease. It’s not that bad, but I won’t be wearing a bathing suit this summer unless it involves a skirt. Just call me Grandma. www.divine.ca

  • Penny Carnival

    My kids want to go to a Penny Carnival today at a local school. I’m struggling with a queasy stomach, but they will lose their minds if we stay home an entire day. Maybe I should make them read “Flowers in the Attic” so they could realize how good they have it. A Penny Carnival is where you play games to win crappy prizes that break or end up in a junk drawer. There are no pennies involved. I will end up dropping a few Jacksons. (That’s my way of trying to say $20 bills. The rich have Benjamins) The kids always want to play a game where you win…

  • Da, Da, Da…. Blaaaaah!

    My evening started on such a high note. I walked in the door, my daughter yelled “Mommy!” and wrapped her little arms around my legs. I was so happy to be home and don’t have to work the next five days. Well, about an hour later I got a pang in my stomach. Could it be something I ate for lunch? I actually got to eat a meal today without being interrupted. Mexican. My favorite. I cherished every bite like it was my last. It tasted okay, but was it? Suddenly, there was the “get your fat ass to the toilet” gurgle. Yes, I know a dignified person like Princess…

  • Floaters

    I am going to start labeling everyone’s drink to eliminate any confusion. Obviously I don’t slurp out of the sippy cups, but my 12-year-old enjoys similar beverages. Unfortunately, he also leaves crumbs in the container like he is storing food for the winter. Well, tonight after a long day at work I came home to find an ice-cold bottle of Gatorade in the refrigerator. In a complete exhausted stupor I grabbed the bottle and took a swig like I was in college drinking from a funnel. I mean, not me mom, like those drunken sluts did. (eh-hem) I always had water. Well. I felt a chunk of something slide down…

  • Sarcastic E-Cards

    Everyone who knows me knows you won’t get a card from me. I don’t care what holiday it is. I think it’s a waste of money. You will read it, flash a smile and throw it out. If I can’t tell you to your face how important you are to me then you don’t deserve a card anyway. I love these (Plus they’re free)