Some people see Jesus or Mary in everyday household items. I see Mick Jagger in the deli case.

I must discuss the latest product targeting kids: “Squishy Baff.” If you haven’t seen the commercial you must be able to watch adult TV. I have heard people like you existed and I am envious. I watch shows like Yo Gabba Gabba. Each episode is clearly written while tripping on acid. Weird creatures come out of a boom box and sing songs played at Studio 54. Muno looks like he caught something during Spring Break Daytona Beach 1996. “Squishy Baff” is a powder you sprinkle that makes the water look like a cesspool. Then, you’re supposed to put your children in the bathtub. I don’t know how bath time goes…

My son must be posing for a Calvin Klein ad later. Why else would this be an issue this morning: ME: Let’s get dressed. (trying to be cheerful) HIM: I’m not wearing that. ME: You’re not wearing what? HIM: Those underwears (obviously confused that a pair of underwear is actual singular) ME: And why not? HIM: I’m not wearing Toy Story underwears. ME: You love Toy Story. Why not? HIM: What if my friends see them? (If this was a possibility I would have already reported the school to social services) ME: You’re not going to take your pants off. Now get dressed. We’re going to be late. (The teacher…

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Declined. This is a word I haven’t heard since college. Back then if you were breathing you could get approved for a credit card. Companies set up tables in the university dining hall and lured you in by giving away free water bottles and key chains. A few weeks later a credit card came in mail. A few days later the card was maxed out. Now, I am a responsible adult with children and a job. Yes, I am a working mother. I don’t work full-time, but I do clock in so my family doesn’t have to live with the Boxcar Children. My husband sent me a list of groceries…

Google is killing me. Well, at least the search results are. I’m not going to say I’m a hypochondriac, but my friends are probably nodding their heads. I immediately assume the worst when I get sick or experience pain. I was never like this before I had kids. If I was I can’t remember. In the past few days I have diagnosed myself with Multiple Sclerosis, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and Heart Disease. Then, I remembered why my arm, shoulder and lower back were aching. I dusted off the Reebok step a few days ago and pretended I was in my 20’s again. I stomped up and down, arms flailing like…