Whip it Good!

Demi Moore is having a mid-life crisis. At least that is what Star Magazine says and we know that is the gospel. They claim she is partying and doing drugs to hang on to her youth. She might as well wear nylons with sandals while sitting on her davenport. Nothing says you’re old like doing “whip-it’s.” My son saw this story on television and was bewildered. “What is a whip-it?” Getting high off nitrous oxide is so 1990. “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?” No, I don’t think drug addiction is funny.
The idea of a supposed “A-list” celebrity sucking off a whip cream can does make me giggle. I also find it amusing that Demi’s friends were concerned she was drinking too much Red Bull, but no red flag went up when she bought Reddi-Whip by the case.

I will admit I did a whip-it once in high school. Picture a few girls with jeans pinned at the ankles, faces speckled with acne, hair curled and cemented with Aqua Net trying to be cool. I didn’t enjoy it and decided to eat the whip cream instead. We will discuss my eating disorder at a later date. I just told my son she was doing drugs. I paced back and forth and spoke in a tone mimicking Samuel L. Jackson in the movie “Pulp Fiction.” My speech went something like this, “She was doing drugs. If you do drugs you will die. Dead. You will never see your family again. Forget having lunch at McDonalds or playing video games with your friends. You will be in the ground with bugs crawling on your face.” He was horrified. I don’t think I will be finding a crack pipe in his bedroom anytime soon. Also, thanks to Demi, I don’t think he will ever eat dessert again.

Don’t tell my heart

 

Can someone please help me understand why Donald Trump’s opinion should matter to me? Here is a man who clearly cannot choose the right hairdresser. Yet, he has the ability to choose the person to run our country? The Donald’s head looks like it was dipped in a cotton candy machine. Only the flavor is “cray.” (Oh yes peeps I’m up with the modern lingo!) I take my kids to a discount hair salon and even these girls wouldn’t jack up someone’s hair like that. Well, maybe one lady would. She is fresh out of beauty school. She is what universities call a “non-traditional student.” Translation: chick is old, but props for starting a new career. Anyway, she holds scissors like she is playing the board game Operation. Never trust a hairdresser who takes an hour to complete one cut. It is a profession that demands confidence or you end up walking out looking like Billy Ray Cyrus. (when his heart was achy, breaky and before his daughter was a whore and smoked weed) As for Donald Trump, just because he is wealthy doesn’t mean I admire him or will drink his kool-aid. O.J. Simpson was wealthy and I didn’t trust a word he said. I still think he could’ve gotten those gloves on. Ever try putting on leather gloves? It takes some tugging and wiggling. If you’re putting gloves on a toddler it takes 25 attempts before they realize each finger has its own compartment. My point is this: I will vote for whomever I want to in this presidential election. If I’m smart enough to raise three children I can choose a candidate. So keep your opinions to yourself Hollywood. Unless, you want to gush over my blog. Then, speak yo mind!

Who you calling grandma?

My first born is nearly a teenager. They don’t warn you about this phase in the “What to Expect” book series. They get an attitude and pubic hair overnight. Another thing happens: mom is no longer cool. At his birthday party this weekend that became abundantly clear. I had a hunch this was happening. Last summer I took my two youngest for a walk. As I pushed the double stroller a few teenagers rode past on bicycles. One of the boys whistled. I thought “yeah, I still got it.” (Cue: Pretty Woman Theme) I strutted a few steps in my New Balance sneakers. Then, I heard the other two laugh and say “Yeah, real hot.” For a moment I thought about flipping them the bird. Then, I remembered I have to act like an adult. Besides, this isn’t 1993. They probably wouldn’t know what I meant. They only speak in code: WTF, TTYL, OMG, etc. I should have texted IDLBWAA (I don’t like boys with acne anyway)

 

So, this year I reluctantly agreed to a sleepover. It started with a few kids, but the guest list grew to seven. Gone are the days of themes. My son didn’t want anything drawn on a cake, decorations or favors. The kids walked in, threw their bags on the ground and disappeared. They devoured the snacks and soda within an hour and wanted more. I joked that this wasn’t Walmart and my shelves were only stocked with so much. Crickets. They called things “beast” which meant they liked it. If someone called me beast I would run an extra mile on the treadmill. I suggested they watch a G Rated movie. Each child furrowed his brow and glared at me like I was Willis. I reached my breaking point around 3 a.m. I stomped downstairs and demanded they stop arguing over video-games and go to sleep. As I walked away I heard, “We’re not arguing grandma.” They erupted in laughter. Oh hell no! I confiscated their IPod’s and phones. I turned off the lights, TV and took the remote controls. Then, I hiked up my granny panties and marched upstairs. I may be old, but I win.

House training

“Did he pee?”  “Mom, did he pee?”  “He peed?”   “Oh man, really? He peed again?” These are common questions nowadays in my house.   Why?  We have a puppy.   I have days when I wish I could put on a puffer vest , hop in a DeLorean and relive the day we decided to bring this dog home.   Don’t get me wrong, I love animals.   I grew up with dogs and it was such a joy.   Of course it was.  I didn’t take care of the pets.   I played and snuggled with our dogs.  Our cat curled up in my bed at night until it ran away.  When that cat disappeared so did the allergies and asthma attacks I had been plagued with.   Turns out I was allergic to that cat.  Back then, I didn’t change kitty litter, walk the dog in frigid temperatures or clean up pungent dog urine.  My oldest son loves the dog.  My daughter tries to play with him, but cries whenever it playfully bites.   My middle child? Well, he may be Satan. (I’m kidding.  I think.)   He torments this dog.  Then again, I remember, as a child, my brother played football with our cat.   Unfortunately for the cat it was always on the opposing team.  My brother would race down the long hallway of our apartment and tackle the cat.  Amazingly, the cat never got hurt and loved him anyway.   I suppose I will grow to love our dog too.  As soon as he learns to pee outside.