I have reached the age where I frequent the face cream section at a department store.  I am basically looking for a miracle to erase years of sun bathing.  I grew up during a time when we thought it was a good idea to coat our bodies with baby oil and lay in the sun for hours.  We knew our skin would burn.  It would either peel or turn into a tan.   I know, it was idiotic.    I have the wrinkles to prove it.   I will be honest, I don’t want to age gracefully.   I recently purchased a product dubbed “the world’s most powerful facial.”  ‘Aztec…

I spent part of my day cleaning out junk drawers.  And I wonder why I am never featured in the “Movers and Shakers” section of the local newspaper.   Apparently, you have to succeed or something.  There is a little bit of a hoarder in all of us.  That is why drawers were invented.   There isn’t any room left in the junk drawer in my kitchen and the one in my bedroom was filling up fast.  So, I decided to clean them out before I end up on TLC.   I’m fine with scrubs and chasing waterfalls.  I don’t want to be on a reality show that both horrifies…

I woke up to my 8-year-old son screaming in the wee hours of the morning.   When I ran into his room he was sitting upright and staring straight ahead.   He has been sick the past few days and was restless.   I immediately knew what was happening.   He was having a night terror.  It’s basically a nightmare, but  his eyes are open.  It only lasts a few minutes, but it is terrifying.   I tried to calm him down, but nothing helps until he goes back to sleep or wakes up.   He was crying and repeatedly yelling, “I just want to tell you what it’s going to…

My 5-year-old daughter asked a question today that I am not ready to answer.  “Why do you have to wear that?”  She wasn’t referring to make up or deodorant.  Her little finger was pointing to a bag of maxi pads in my shopping cart.  In my opinion, she’s too young to know that women suffer for seven to ten days every month for most of their lives.  She doesn’t need to know that once a month it feels like your vagina may fall off.  Not only is the cycle uncomfortable, but women have to deal with ignorant men who cannot understand PMS.  Hint: that would be a great time to…

I spent another glorious day with my children at the amusement park.   Nothing screams fun like getting motion sickness and swimming in filthy water with strangers.     Actually, my children had a great time.  I nearly had a panic attack on the log flume.  Not only am I afraid on high, fast-moving rides, I get really sick.  It’s just another way women are punished for having children.  A mother wets her pants with a sneeze, her abs look like Droopy’s face and her equilibrium is shot.      There is no denying that a visit to an amusement park is a learning experience. Here are a few things I…

Have you read the fairy tale about the princess who lived happily ever after with an inmate who escaped from a maximum security prison?  I missed that one.   Joyce “Tillie” Mitchell apparently thought she was watching the Disney Channel, but it was MSNBC and a rerun of “Locked Up.”  Tillie is the woman in New York who helped two murderers escape because she was in love.  She actually had sexual intercourse with both men, but the fella who is serving time for decapitating his boss stole her heart.  Tillie should have watched a few episodes of Law & Order before committing a crime.   After her arrest she was…

I am having a giveaway.  A few of my readers will be disappointed that the prize is not lady deodorant or Hot Pockets.  The rest of you will be thrilled to learn I am giving away movie tickets.  No, you don’t have to suffer through a sequel to Mall Cop.  I am giving away passes to a screening of the 2015 Sundance Film Festival hit, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl.  The screening is in Henrietta, New York.  You suffered through a long, cold winter and deserve a break.     Date:  June 18th at 7:30 p.m.       Regal Henrietta Stadium 18    525 Marketplace Drive  Rochester,…

My oldest son could barely hold a crayon when he started pre-school.   He was my first child.  I thought that was normal for a 3-year-old.  When the pre-school teacher suggested I have him evaluated I blew a gasket.   There is nothing wrong with my son!  I soon realized he wasn’t at the same level as the other children in the class.   After a few appointments it was determined that he would benefit from both occupational and physical therapy.   I was embarrassed.  I shouldn’t have been, but I was young and quite frankly ignorant.  I didn’t want the other mothers to judge us.  I just wanted him…

Last week,  a federal advisory panel recommended approval of what would become the first drug to treat a lack of sexual desire in women.      There has been an intense lobbying campaign to get the little pink pill approved. Over 60,000 people signed a petition launched by a group called “Even the Score.”  I have never been passionate enough about something to sign a petition or buy a bumper sticker. That is a real commitment.  What if your child isn’t an honor student next year?  Then, you’re a liar.    Many women do not need medication to treat their “headache.”  We are usually more turned off by your behavior…

I will admit I was not pleased when this flyer came home from school.    Every year, the elementary school holds a father and daughter dance.  This event is for mothers to bond with their sons.  I secretly hoped thunderstorms would roll through and the race  would be cancelled.  It was another thing to put on my calendar between a dance recital, soccer practice, guitar lessons, tennis matches, school field trips etc.    I know it is a first world problem.  I don’t need those of you still sporting a “Free Tibet” bumper sticker or building wells in Africa to lecture me on how good I have it.  I know…