F**k you, Caillou

Ten things I would rather do than watch Caillou.

10. Get a Brazilian wax

9.   Give a Brazilian wax

8.  Wake up in 1970 with a debit card and no cash

7.   Wake up next to Carrot Top

6.    Be a Kardashian 

5.    Be Kid Rock’s Loofah

4.   Try on swimsuits with model Giselle Bund- whatever the hell her name

3.   Eat out of the nacho fountain at Old Country Buffet

2.   Walk around Orlando, Florida in August wearing a long sleeve pantsuit made out of bacon 

1.    Call my bank using a rotary telephone

 

Whining in Espanol

Do you know what’s more annoying than Caillou? Watching Caillou in a language you do not understand. Well, Cynical Mother, you say, why would you do that? It’s not by choice. I think my daughter takes pleasure in torturing me. She somehow found the Spanish translation of Caillou on YouTube. She asked me to type “Star Whores” in the search engine. I am not sure if that is a Dirk Diggler film, but she meant wars. A few clicks and swipes later she is watching Caillou in Spanish. It doesn’t phase her in the least that she has no damn idea what they are saying. Then again, whining is a universal language. The show is even moreunbearable at 11 p.m. when you want to go to sleep. (Honey, my party days are over. That is late for me.) Allowing her to take a late nap yesterday seemed like a good idea at the time. It was so peaceful in my house. Well, payback is a bitch! (And so is Caillou in Espanol)

Cable guy

Dear Cable Guy,

I would like to apologize for going all ‘Alec Baldwin’ on you this morning. I know it’s not your fault the on-demand feature wasn’t working on my cable box. Of course this wasn’t a conspiracy by the cable company to drive me insane. Did I actually say that? You have to understand, I didn’t get much sleep last night and haven’t had a cup of coffee yet. My 2-year-old daughter was crying hysterically to watch Caillou. Each time I tried to play an episode we got an error message. She would scream like Marlon Brando, “Caillooooouuuuuuu!” It was giving me a headache. I wasn’t crying.  Really, I have, uh, um, a runny nose.   Well, maybe it’s PMS.  Whatever.  No, I am not really going to throw this cable box out the window. Can’t you take a joke? Thank you for fixing the problem. 

Sincerely,

Cynical Mother

 

 

 

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