• Garage Sale Finds

    My entertainment of late is browsing an online garage sale website. Here are a few of my latest finds : How exactly does one play with parakeets? For only $50 you can buy this Chuckie doll for your child. (Therapy will cost a lot more) What goes better with jeans shorts and crocs than a fur vest? Plan on winning the best dressed award at the county fair. I am just guessing, but I doubt the local convenience store appreciates you selling their shopping baskets.

  • Hairy situation

    It is one of the great mysteries in life. How is it you can shave your legs regularly, but miss the same spot over and over again? You never notice it in the shower. The patch of hair can only be seen when you are in a public place. For me, that was at the dentist’s office. I made an appointment because of a toothache. It turns out a piece of a filling cracked. The dentist says I “might as well have a root canal.” Might as well? You might as well eat French fries. You might as well have another cocktail. You don’t might as well have needles stick…

  • NKOTB

    I recently read an article about Ty Beanie Babies being worth far less than experts predicted. Do you remember how people flocked to stores to buy the latest release? True collectors protected their Beanie Babies in curio cabinets. Amateurs cut off the tag. Fast forward a decade later and you have a worthless box of teddy bears. Fools. (Evil cackle) I had a better plan to get rich. I collected New Kids on the Block Memorabilia. Who the hell could have predicted that comeback? There was no way of knowing women, on the verge of “the change,” would buy albums and concert tickets in 2013. So, according to the Ebay…

  • Music Torture

    I was in the kitchen this morning when I heard what sounded like techno music blaring upstairs. Were my kids hosting a rave? I crept upstairs to bust the party. I did not find glow sticks or over sized pacifiers. Instead, I discovered a digital drum set in front of my 13-year-old’s bedroom door. I bought this electronic drum at Goodwill before Christmas. It only cost $5. Sometimes Santa is on a budget. It sells for $50 on Amazon. Score! I am trying to encourage my 6-year-old’s love of music. I had no idea it would be used in psychological operations. My recently graduated kindergartener channeled Moby, cranked the volume…

  • Bag lady

    I am a bad ass, a rebel. I snuck candy, popcorn and drinks into the movie theater tonight. Booyah! Okay, so I am just cheap. We took the entire family to the movies. It cost nearly 50 bucks for tickets alone. When I was a kid it cost between $3 – $5 to catch a flick. I also walked barefoot, up a hill and in the snow to the schoolhouse. Well, maybe not, but I feel that old. My husband took my 13-year-old to watch World War Z. I took our 3 and 6-year-old’s to see Monsters University. I hate scary movies. Actually, I hate anything scary and that includes…

  • Strong as a pig

    My son made my husband the cutest gift for Father’s Day. Yes, I know it was last week. My husband got the royal treatment: he slept in and enjoyed Hot Pockets for dinner. Talk about truth in advertising. Hot Pockets are really hot if you follow the directions on the box. My husband had complained a week earlier that, despite having a refrigerator and freezer stock full, that there wasn’t any food in the house. Translation: he wanted instant gratification and didn’t want to cook. Well, since we can’t afford to hire a personal chef and I am not one I purchased boxes of Hot Pockets. I love this Jim…

  • Graduation

    My son graduated yesterday. I cried. Actually, I was on the verge of sobbing. My lower lip was quivering, snot dripping from my nose and tears streaming down my face. Thank goodness another mother was cracking jokes or I would have made a complete fool of myself. Did I mention this was a kindergarten graduation ceremony? I couldn’t help it. It seems like just yesterday he was a chubby 10-month-old crawling on the floor. He is the middle child so I didn’t raise him in a bubble like my first born. With your first kid you boil everything. The second and third could eat dirt and you shrug it off.…

  • Can you afford it?

    Do you know what’s worse than waiting in a long line at Walmart? Loading a cart full of groceries on the belt before realizing your wallet is missing. Yeah, this happened to me tonight. Panic immediately set in. I scanned the store for Oliver Twist, but only saw a woman in pajamas and a man with star tattoos on his face. Did I drop it? I put my groceries back into the cart as my daughter questioned loudly, “What’s wrong Mommy? You don’t have enough money?” I use this excuse from time to time when she asks for a toy. Awesome. I may not be able to afford Diet Dr.…

  • Who wants to volunteer?

    My 6-year-old was sobbing when I picked him up from school yesterday. He held his arm over his face as the teacher lead him to the door. I thought to myself, Oh, no. What happened. Did he curse? Did he say something inappropriate to another student? He is generally a well behaved child, but with a 13-year-old brother and YouTube you just never know. I told my children they aren’t allowed to watch YouTube unsupervised. It’s not like Saturday morning cartoons. A cute stop motion animation Lego video can end with a figurine saying, “Mother f*****!” or soft core porn. Oh, Davey. It turns out my son didn’t do anything…