-
Deuce
I was told this morning that I looked “tiny.” I am 5’7 1/2 and the only tiny thing on my body is my pinky toe. Even it is larger than average and bends slightly inward. I have been working out, but don’t feel thinner. I definitely feel older, having to ice my achy body after every cardio routine. I am not trying to be a size 2. I run, lift, lunge, etc. to maintain my sanity. Now that I am home more with the kids I need all the natural endorphins I can get. The next person who says “It must be nice that you don’t have to work” is…
-
Are you threatening me?
I remember making empty threats when I was a kid. “I am going to runaway and you will never see me again!” I was just mad because I didn’t get my way. Perhaps my Mom wouldn’t buy me the neon orange jelly shoes I wanted. Maybe she told me to turn down my cassette player because I was blasting Janet Jackson’s “Control.” Regardless, I had no intention of living under a bridge. Where would I store my scrunchies and Aqua Net? My 3-year-old daughter is already a feisty one. She recently informed me she was looking for a new Mom. I asked her if she was using Craig’s List or…
-
Bullies
I almost made the news this morning and that’s not a good thing. When I dropped my son off to school I noticed three boys were teasing other students. They would follow each kid who walked by their group. I don’t know what they were saying, but it wasn’t “Good morning.” One boy tried to lose them by turning around, but the bullies were relentless. They were not only mocking kids, but intimidating them. Little bastards! I reached for the door handle and then froze. I had an outfit on that would make Rachel Zoe vomit more than her breakfast, lunch am dinner. I was wearing gym shorts, a tank…
-
Hair did
I don’t think I have been on time for an appointment in 13 years. That is why I take my children to a chain hair salon. Well, that and I am cheap. You have to be careful though. These joints hire the girl who burned the hairs off the mannequin in cosmetology school. My kids get their hair did about every three and a half weeks. Basically, when they start to look like Justin Beiber (back when he owned a belt) it’s time for a cut. The chain salon I frequent won’t take appointments. However, you can call ahead and put your name on a list. It’s basically like getting…
-
Easter party
When your kids are young their faces light up the moment you enter a room. Inevitably, when they become teenagers, that smile disappears and is replaced with an eye roll. My 5-year-old still adores me. (Most of the time) He was thrilled when I visited the school today for an Easter party. (It may have been because I was carrying boxes of donuts, but I will pretend he was cheering was for me.) I don’t want politically correct lunatics to get their panties in a bunch. The kids didn’t complete dot to dot Jesus worksheets during the classroom Easter party. They played games, enjoyed a snack and went on an…
-
Urine Controlled Video Games?
You have got to be kidding me? I will never get my boys out of the bathroom if this becomes a trend. A minor league baseball team in Pennsylvania is going to offer urine-controlled video games. No, I am not making this up. The system is designed by a British company called Captive Media. The custom urinals feature a “pee controlled” video screen. (R Kelly must be so happy!) SMH! (I just learned what SMH means. I had to google it after I received a text message.) For example, in a snowboarding game, to turn left you urinate to the left, to turn right you pee right. My children have a…
-
Shameful
A teenager accused in the shooting death of an innocent baby in Georgia was in court today. Nancy Grace is wetting her pants over this story. She is going to pull her hair back with a bedazzled bobby pin and analyze the entire case. By now you’ve probably heard what happened. A woman, pushing a stroller, was allegedly approached by two teenagers demanding money. When she refused they shot her and threatened to kill her baby. She didn’t have anything to give them. So, she says, one of the boys shot the 13-month-old in the face. If I were still a TV news reporter I would just give you the…
-
and the winner is….
We have our first winner in the monthly CynicalMother.com giveaway. As you can see the drawing was very official: Watch this video on YouTube Congratulations to Gayle Lander! You win this beautiful necklace: Don’t worry if you didn’t win. We will have another drawing next month for a cool prize. It’s simple to enter, just subscribe to CynicalMother.com. (Yep, enter your email in the box to left) The necklace was provided by Leann-Beads
-
Spring Essentials
Grab your puke bucket, (if you’re not a parent you may not have one. In that case, get to the nearest bathroom) Gwyneth Paltrow has a new blog post. Now, I like her as an actress. However, she is kind of out of touch with the average Joe. She released her list of “Spring Essentials.” Funny thing is the 3 pack of cotton Hanes Hipster panties are not on the list. Look, I am over the whole look at my sexy, uncomfortable underwear. At my age, I am anti-wedgie. I thought I was high-maintenance for requiring extra dressing when I order a salad. (Yeah, I splurge and pay the extra…
-
Whining in Espanol
Do you know what’s more annoying than Caillou? Watching Caillou in a language you do not understand. Well, Cynical Mother, you say, why would you do that? It’s not by choice. I think my daughter takes pleasure in torturing me. She somehow found the Spanish translation of Caillou on YouTube. She asked me to type “Star Whores” in the search engine. I am not sure if that is a Dirk Diggler film, but she meant wars. A few clicks and swipes later she is watching Caillou in Spanish. It doesn’t phase her in the least that she has no damn idea what they are saying. Then again, whining is a…