Siri + preschooler = Friday night entertainment

There was a time when I spent Friday nights bar hopping with friends. How did the phrase “Bar Hopping” come to be? Did people hop to bars before the automobile was invented? Hopping is a lot of work. I would much rather skip or sidestep than hop. Hell, “Bar Galloping” would be easier, but I digress. My point is times have changed. My entertainment this evening came from a 4-year-old and Siri. This is the advertisement for Siri:


Oh, really? That is not entirely true if a preschooler fires off questions.

My daughter was telling Siri about the birthday party she attended today. Sure, my kid speaks in fragments followed by run-on sentences and throws “-ed” on just about every word, but this isn’t even close:


Next, my daughter asked Siri if she was funny, if she wants to play and them said, “poop.” Why? Saying the word poop is funny when you’re four. It is knee slapping, roll on the floor, get stomach cramps funny. Some things just can’t be explained. This is what Siri heard:


What the hell is “pink bunny?” Is that a “game” people play at Coachella?

Finally, and my favorite thus far, my daughter asked Siri to show her a picture of a real unicorn. I play along. After all, she believes an obese man can slide down a chimney, a life-sized bunny brings her candy and a flying lady wants her old teeth. What’s one more lie? This is what Siri came up with:


We will take that as a yes.

Southwest Comedian

I really hope we have this flight attendant on our next Southwest flight.   To quote my southern friend, “She is a hoot.”  I fly Southwest because I don’t want to sell my organs on the black market to pay baggage fees.  I am dating myself here, but I remember when that was free and we got to eat peanuts on the plane.  Those were the good ole’ days.  Actually, I would sell my organs and soul for a direct flight.  Why would you choose to make stops when traveling with children?  That is like buying the 7 day yeast infection cream when there is a 1 day treatment plan.

Teacher’s only

I finally did something I have wanted to do since I was a kid. I peed in the staff bathroom at my old elementary school. When I was in the second grade I saw two teachers walk out of the bathroom laughing. They are having fun in there. I imagined parties with candy, gold sinks and fancy soaps. Why else would they forbid kids to enter?

I volunteer every Tuesday to read with the students in my son’s class. You haven’t lived until you’ve listened to the same story over and over and over again. I could recite the book, “Kit’s Mitt” with my eyes closed. It’s about a girl named Kit who shows up to a baseball game without a glove. Yet, she is still allowed to play and ends up using her hat to catch a ball. I’m calling bulls**t on that one. The kids in this class are great. They are sweet and make me laugh. Plus, a few of them think Kit’s story is bulls**t, too.

I was exhausted during today’s session. So, I drank a lot of coffee. Clearly, I cannot use the toilets in the children’s bathroom. They are way too low. I don’t think I would be able to stand back up. My legs are burning from my latest workout. That’s right fellas, I am going to be rockin’ that mom swim skirt at the beach this year.

I had to use the staff bathroom before I coughed or sneezed. (You know what I am talking about ladies) I half expected to hear someone scold me for going inside. (Cue: orchestra music, orchestra music comes to a halt) It turns out it’s just a regular bathroom. The wall is adorned with framed pictures from the 1980’s. There’s a fake floral arrangement on a small table that would make Oprah Winfrey cringe and a few bottles of lotion.
This is it? This is what I have waited thirty years to see?
Maybe when Kit makes it into the major leagues she can give the bathroom a makeover and give the hardworking teachers the serene space I imagined as a kid.

Instant Karma?

Have you seen this video making its way around the world wide web? Jeffrey White, of Florida, was caught on camera tailgating a woman on a highway and giving her the finger. Seconds later, he spun off the road and crashed into a light pole. He was arrested for leaving the scene of an accident.  There is no denying Jeff acted like a jerk, but do you notice something wrong in this video?


Besides the fact that the woman videotaping (old habits die hard) recording the video had her phone in the wrong position (always record horizontal people!) did you notice she was driving in the wrong lane? Was she intentionally trying to piss him off? I learned in Driver’s Ed. that you always drive in the right hand lane unless you are passing another vehicle. My Driver’s Ed. teacher was a little crazy. I think you have to be slightly insane to allow children who have never been behind a wheel to be your chauffeur. I think driving with your eyes closed would be safer. He wore a short sleeve dress shirt and often had crumbs in his lap. Short sleeve dress shirts say I just woke up from a coma. or I give up on life. Either way, they are not fashionable or sexy. Anyway, the chick on this video needs to get the hell out of the way. It drives me insane when someone doesn’t obey traffic laws. Well, unless I am running late and STOP morphs into a yield sign. I am often late and at this point I don’t even feel bad. It’s not my fault. My children always have something to do at the exact moment we are supposed to head out the door. “Mom, I can’t wear this! I need to dress like SpongeBob construction girl.” Of course you do! Silly me!

We don’t all have time for a leisurely Sunday drive on a Monday. Besides, what are you looking at? People driving in the wrong lane are usually looking from left to right repeatedly. Is this your first time driving in this magical land? Are you overwhelmed by the scenery or are you looking for a good spot to put the body in your trunk? Keep your eye on the road and hit the gas. I hate to admit it, but I would have whipped this lady off, too.

F**k you, Caillou

Ten things I would rather do than watch Caillou.

10. Get a Brazilian wax

9.   Give a Brazilian wax

8.  Wake up in 1970 with a debit card and no cash

7.   Wake up next to Carrot Top

6.    Be a Kardashian 

5.    Be Kid Rock’s Loofah

4.   Try on swimsuits with model Giselle Bund- whatever the hell her name

3.   Eat out of the nacho fountain at Old Country Buffet

2.   Walk around Orlando, Florida in August wearing a long sleeve pantsuit made out of bacon 

1.    Call my bank using a rotary telephone


I’ll Be Seeing You

Apparently, there are reality singing competitions all over the world. (There goes the belief that the sun only rises and sets over the United States of America.) This 7-year-old performed on “Norway’s Got Talent.” Angelina Jordan got a standing ovation. It seems nowadays standing ovations are given up as frequently as a Kardashian’s vagina. You have to do something pretty impressive for me to stand up. I like sitting down. I don’t get to to do it very often. However, Jordan deserved the praise. Her performance of Billie Holiday’s “Gloomy Sunday” is beautiful. I cannot believe this big voice comes out of a little girl who is still young enough to lose baby teeth.

Miss Susie had a….

Kids nowadays don’t know how to have fun.  (She says while hiking up support hose and adjusting her false teeth)  Throwing birds at blocks?  Constructing houses with a guy named Steve? Playing video games with your friends who are in a different house?  (The Jetson’s didn’t predict that one either did they?)  That isn’t fun.  We knew how to have a good time when I was child.  We played a game with yarn and called it “Cat’s Cradle” even though it had nothing to do with kitties or a baby.   We smacked hands while singing about buying bread at a Chinese restaurant.  I actually tried to teach my children that game.  They looked at me like I had three heads.  Then, they went back to watching clips of talking oranges on YouTube.  (Who is the freak now?)  It seemed like a perfectly normal song when I was in elementary school.  Now that I am an adult it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

I went to a Chinese restaurant,
to buy a loaf of bread, bread, bread,

Well, that’s where you went wrong.  Why would you go to a Chinese restaurant to buy bread?  Have you ever heard of a bakery?  Grocery store?   Did you buy one loaf of bread or three?
he wrapped it up in a 5 pound bag,

A 5 pound bag?  Is this the last supper?  Who needs 5 pounds of bread?
and this is what he said, said, said….

I heard the first said.  You don’t need to repeat everything three times.
My name is…
Kay Ai Pickle Ai
Pickle Ai Kay Ai
come from Polly
Polly Wally Whisky
Chinese chopsticks…

I am calling bulls**t on that one.  That is not your name.  Besides, nobody asked you for your name.  We asked for 5 pounds of bread. 

I understand this “cute” song is no longer politically correct.  Back then, we didn’t put that much thought into the words.  That is something adults over analyze.  However, we paid very close attention to the lyrics of another tune.  It went a little something like this:

Miss Suzie had a steamboat, her steamboat had a bell.
When Suzie went to heaven, her steamboat went to
Hell-o operator, give me number nine.
And if you disconnect me, I’ll kick your big
Behind the yellow curtain, there was a piece of glass.
When Suzie sat upon it, she cut her big fat
Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies. The cows are in the pasture baking apple pies.

When we weren’t singing offensive songs about a particular ethnicity or cursing we played outside.   That is fun.