• Mr. Boombastic

    I spent 20 minutes this afternoon in the bathroom of a Mexican restaurant. To quote the great “Shaggy” (a.k.a. Mr. Boombastic) and every person ever arrested for a committing a crime, “It wasn’t me.” My daughter had to use the loo. She also needed to sing every song she ever learned inside that bathroom. The more I encouraged her to speed it up and do the deed, the longer it took. Obviously, I cannot leave a 4- year-old in a public restroom alone. (Thanks a lot creepy guys at restaurants.) However, I have been instructed not to look at her. So, while she sang about being a little popcorn, I…

  • Take this job and shove it!

    Clearly this woman worked in a newsroom. (cause it looks like a newsroom) I had a similar boss at one point.  News Directors come and go like men through Taylor Swift’s dressing room.  In fact, that guy who eliminated my position via text message and email after a decade of dedicated service? (paging Mrs. Bitterman) Yeah, he just got kicked to the curb.  Karma is a wonderful thing.  Anyway, this other guy would start each morning meeting reading from a tally sheet.  “People love the homicide video. That got the most hits.”  I am so happy their loss is your gain a**hole.  There are journalists who actually care about people…

  • Mid-life crisis

    I have been whining for years that I need time alone. Being the mother of three, I can rarely pee without having a conversation with a child. Mom, who would win in a fight? Batman or Wolverine? Could we have this riveting debate after I wipe my vagina? Well, I’ve finally got time to myself and I don’t know what the hell to do. This morning I sat and cried with another mother over coffee. This woman had no idea what she was getting into when she invited me. Our tearful conversation began at the cash register. The barista was training and couldn’t figure out how to key in my…

  • Hair Bow Obsession

    I am obsessed with hair accessories for my daughter.  She doesn’t leave home without a bow that compliments her outfit.  Why?  I think they are pretty.  I also like it when people compliment her.  It must suck to have ugly kids. Actually, if your kids are ugly you should accessorize even more.  Relax, I am kidding. (sort of)  My daughter can be feminine and kick ass on a soccer field.  Someday,  she may refuse to wear them, but until then here is a sample of our collection:                   I could not resist buying more bows today when I saw a sale on…

  • Road Rage

    I am guilty of road rage.  Well, it’s actually watered down road rage.  I am not a complete lunatic.  I haven’t crashed my car into another vehicle or assaulted anyone.  I bite my tongue most of the time when my children  are in the car.   However, when you are going through perimenopause some things are out of your control.  Most recently, I yelled at a driver who didn’t turn right when the light was red.  “It’s right on RED,”  I shouted through my windshield. He didn’t hear me because we were separated by glass and metal.  My kids were watching Tangled Ever After for the millionth time at an…

  • Bullies

    I almost made the news this morning and that’s not a good thing. When I dropped my son off to school I noticed three boys were teasing other students. They would follow each kid who walked by their group. I don’t know what they were saying, but it wasn’t “Good morning.” One boy tried to lose them by turning around, but the bullies were relentless. They were not only mocking kids, but intimidating them. Little bastards! I reached for the door handle and then froze. I had an outfit on that would make Rachel Zoe vomit more than her breakfast, lunch am dinner. I was wearing gym shorts, a tank…