• Who wants to volunteer?

    My 6-year-old was sobbing when I picked him up from school yesterday. He held his arm over his face as the teacher lead him to the door. I thought to myself, Oh, no. What happened. Did he curse? Did he say something inappropriate to another student? He is generally a well behaved child, but with a 13-year-old brother and YouTube you just never know. I told my children they aren’t allowed to watch YouTube unsupervised. It’s not like Saturday morning cartoons. A cute stop motion animation Lego video can end with a figurine saying, “Mother f*****!” or soft core porn. Oh, Davey. It turns out my son didn’t do anything…

  • How it’s made

    One of my husband’s favorite TV shows is “How It’s Made” on the Science Network. My brain operates a little differently. As long as it works I could care less how it is made. However, after forcing him to watch “Magic Mike,” I agreed to sit through his program without complaining. Honestly, I don’t get why that movie was such a hit. A male stripper’s dance moves are not sexy. Can you even imagine your husband or boyfriend tearing off his pants to reveal a thong? Then, dancing around the bedroom jiggling his ass and throwing in an occasional pelvic thrust? The documentary on how flip flops are made was…

  • Dad reenacts conversation with toddler

    Here is another idea I wish I had first.  My 13-year-old couldn’t understand why I found this video amusing.  Then again, he couldn’t understand why I got pissed when he asked me this morning if I was pregnant.  “Oh, it’s just your stomach was sticking out,” he said.  After all these damn crunches I still look like I am in the first trimester?  I am not pregnant, but I may put him up for adoption.  Parents will appreciate the hilarity in this reenactment. I LOL’d.  

  • Egg on his face

    …and today’s award for Worst Mother Ever goes to the woman in this video. After she finished her second pack of cigarettes Mom decided to pull a prank on her son. She tricks the poor kid into cracking an egg over his head. What a waste. She could have made a small omelette to feed her malnourished children. I think Sally Struthers needs to pay Mommy Dearest a visit. Don’t get me wrong, I mock my kids like all good mothers do. However, this video makes me sad. What’s the point? Your video wasn’t even shot properly. For the love of God, shoot with the phone camera horizontal! I have…

  • Spring Essentials

    Grab your puke bucket, (if you’re not a parent you may not have one. In that case, get to the nearest bathroom) Gwyneth Paltrow has a new blog post. Now, I like her as an actress. However, she is kind of out of touch with the average Joe. She released her list of “Spring Essentials.” Funny thing is the 3 pack of cotton Hanes Hipster panties are not on the list. Look, I am over the whole look at my sexy, uncomfortable underwear. At my age, I am anti-wedgie. I thought I was high-maintenance for requiring extra dressing when I order a salad. (Yeah, I splurge and pay the extra…

  • Alba’s Advice

    Another Hollywood actress has some advice on how you can be a better parent. (I just threw up in my mouth.) Jessica Alba has written a book called “The Honest Life: Living Naturally and True to You.” She says it is “super easy” to do the things in her book. The title alone makes me want to punch her. Among other things, Jessica recommends leaving plastics outside for a few days to off-gas the chemicals. Really? Clearly, she doesn’t have feral cats in her neighborhood. Plus, try telling your kid he or she can’t play with a toy until it airs out. Can you say meltdown? She also recommends making…

  • Say cheese!

    It is no secret that I love shopping at thrift stores. I bought my son a Fisher Price Kid Tough Digital Camera from Goodwill. I paid 99 cents. Score! Right? Yes, until your child discovers another family’s photographs on the memory card. My daughter was playing with the camera while my son was at school. I encourage them to share, but it is like trying to convince Jared to eat something other than a Subway sandwich. It’s not going to happen. So, she waits until he leaves to break his stuff. She took the camera into her room to photograph her baby dolls. Who doesn’t want a picture of Baby…

  • Game Night

    I don’t know about your house, but in mine game night always ends in tears. Families always look so happy in the commercials, smiling and laughing. Don’t get me wrong, it starts out fun. My younger kids jump up and down with glee. They love playing board games. Our favorites are Hungry, Hungry Hippo, Twister and Trouble. I have to force my oldest to put down the IPad and play.You will spend time with your family and enjoy it, damn it! They each take a turn, but quickly forget whose next. “It’s my turn.” “He took my turn.” “She just went.” I may not be able to remember why I…

  • Valentine’s Day Tree

    It is February, but still looks like December in my house. My 3-year-old daughter won’t let me take down her Christmas tree. It’s just a small artificial tree tucked in the corner of the playroom. She pleaded with me to leave it up when I took the other decorations down. I figured she would forget about it a few days later. She did not. I’ve tried to get rid of it, sneaking around as the Grinch while she slept. The next day, she scanned the room like the Terminator demanding to know, “Where is my tree?” I told her we cannot leave it up all year. “Why not?” Well, because…

  • Smarty Pants

    My son is smarter than me. I can’t admit that to him. I don’t want a mutiny. The truth is I was barely a B student in school. He is a high honor roll student. The only award I recall receiving was in my senior year. I won “Biggest Ego.” I guess it’s not normal to have your locker lined with mirrors? I am kidding. You’ve seen the pictures. I was a late bloomer and a very insecure teenager. I guess I didn’t have enough abortions to win any other title. Oh, no she didn’t! Yes. I went there. Bitter is my middle name. My son had a 96 overall…