• Dog in viral photo dies

    I wouldn’t say I am a dog person. I am not a fan of it’s drooling, shedding and occasional urge to vomit on carpet. A dog won’t puke on hard wood flooring. No, no, no, that would be too easy to clean. A light colored area rug? Perfect. I was in line at Target behind a woman whose shirt was covered in cat hair. I wanted to slip a lint brush in her cart. She must have been really hot. The temperature inside the store felt like 90 degrees. In case you missed the news, we are having a heat wave on the east coast. I always hated covering hot…

  • Hairy situation

    It is one of the great mysteries in life. How is it you can shave your legs regularly, but miss the same spot over and over again? You never notice it in the shower. The patch of hair can only be seen when you are in a public place. For me, that was at the dentist’s office. I made an appointment because of a toothache. It turns out a piece of a filling cracked. The dentist says I “might as well have a root canal.” Might as well? You might as well eat French fries. You might as well have another cocktail. You don’t might as well have needles stick…

  • Fish tale

    It took 38 years to realize I hate fishing. Hate. The preparation sucks. The waiting sucks. Catching nothing, but seaweed sucks. I came to this realization today after taking the boys fishing at my in-laws house. Their home overlooks a river lined with trees and flowers. There are often swans swimming in the water. A steep wooden staircase leads down to a deck, the perfect spot to fish. My nephews are in town for the week from Ohio and fishing is one of their favorite things to do. My boys were excited, too. My 3-year-old daughter wanted no part of it. She opted to stay indoors with grandma, have a…

  • Music Torture

    I was in the kitchen this morning when I heard what sounded like techno music blaring upstairs. Were my kids hosting a rave? I crept upstairs to bust the party. I did not find glow sticks or over sized pacifiers. Instead, I discovered a digital drum set in front of my 13-year-old’s bedroom door. I bought this electronic drum at Goodwill before Christmas. It only cost $5. Sometimes Santa is on a budget. It sells for $50 on Amazon. Score! I am trying to encourage my 6-year-old’s love of music. I had no idea it would be used in psychological operations. My recently graduated kindergartener channeled Moby, cranked the volume…

  • Cut her off!

    You never get a second chance to make a first impression. So, to a group of people I met last night I may forever be known as that woman who kept spilling her drink. I went to an event to raise money for a children’s charity called Spirit Fund. It was held at the restaurant Pier 45. There was a wine sampler, but I ordered a frozen margarita. Look, it’s my favorite drink and I rarely get to enjoy one. I swear the waitress gave me a trick glass. Every time I tried to take a sip my slushy beverage dribbled down the stem. Twice it poured out of the…

  • Graduation

    My son graduated yesterday. I cried. Actually, I was on the verge of sobbing. My lower lip was quivering, snot dripping from my nose and tears streaming down my face. Thank goodness another mother was cracking jokes or I would have made a complete fool of myself. Did I mention this was a kindergarten graduation ceremony? I couldn’t help it. It seems like just yesterday he was a chubby 10-month-old crawling on the floor. He is the middle child so I didn’t raise him in a bubble like my first born. With your first kid you boil everything. The second and third could eat dirt and you shrug it off.…

  • Memorable Dessert

    I have never quite understood the fascination with photo cakes.   You will eventually have to butcher someone you love.  Who wants to eat Grandpa’s ear?  Yet, time and time again I see them at parties.  I must admit they do taste good.  There is something about that damn butter cream frosting.  I ordered my son a Batman cake a few years ago that looked like something you would see on “Cake Boss.”  The characters were made with fondant. The attention to detail was amazing, but it tasted like the bottom of sneaker.  Well, what I assume the bottom of a sneaker would taste like. Here is a memorable dessert.  A…

  • Dickey

    I may need to wax more often. First, my 3-year-old daughter asked, “Are you growing a beard Mommy?” A few prickly hairs does not a beard make. Damn perimenopause. Now, I am being compared to a transgender Navy Seal. If you haven’t heard the story Kristin Beck was once a member of the elite SEAL Team 6. She deployed 13 times as Chris Beck. He retired and she wrote a book about being transgender. Do you follow? Personally, I could care less if he/she wants to wear a jock strap or a dress. Either way he and she is pretty bad ass. Plus, it’s none of my damn business. You…

  • Eggs

    I think my husband has lost his mind. This is an actual conversation we had yesterday via text message. Save money? What could it be? For the kids? What kid do you know that has fun with chickens? This must be a joke. I was hesitant to get a dog. I am not raising farm animals. We occasionally eat eggs on the weekend. We don’t live in a big city, but we do live in a city. There are codes. Our neighborhood won’t even allow above ground pools. There is no way a chicken coup is going to fly. We are rebels and purchased a plastic white trash pool, but…

  • Score!

    If it had been a baseball or football championship the seats would have been full. Other students would’ve waited in line to cheer on the star players. A kid with an IQ lower than Ryan Lochte would be praised in the newspaper. Townies would argue over what professional football team the local boy would end up playing for. Years later that same boy will be throwing Hefty bags into a garbage truck. There wasn’t a big game tonight. It was the drama club’s year end performance. So, besides family members scattered throughout the auditorium and a few boys who have a crush on the 7th grade lead actress, the seats…