-
Crying over Apple
I cry every time this commercial comes on television and (every time) my 6-year-old says, “Mom, you do know it’s a commercial about Apple. They make phones and Ipods. Why does that make you sad?” It’s hard to explain. It’s the same reason I cry at the end of Toy Story 3 and while reading “Love You Forever.” He doesn’t understand yet, but someday he will.
-
Just Because
Everyone has that Facebook “friend” who is always bragging about how perfect her life is. #Liar There is Facebook and then there is the truth. You’re not going to post the argument that ensued after he left his socks on the floor again. You’re status won’t include complaints about her spending and his daily lunch tab. The bouquet of flowers he got “just because” are probably because he came home really late without bothering to call. I can’t remember the last time I got flowers “just because.” So, I was tickled pink when the fine folks at TheBouqs.com offered to send me a bouquet straight from the farm. …
-
Walmart song
Walmart attracts some unique birds. I am not sure where these people live, but they scare the hell out of me. I once saw a couple, with four teeth between them, haul a huge flat screen TV out of the store and put it in the trunk of their rusted car with duck taped windows. It was the dead of winter. Priorities? Apparently, there is only one way to catch the “falling prices” : You must be wearing filthy pajamas. The dirtier the better. If you can throw on a tank top and expose tattoos Billy gave you in the kitchen of his trailer that is even better. It pisses…
-
Minivan mix
I finally made a mixed tape for the minivan. It had a variety of songs from different genres: pop, rock, country and jazz. I overheard my 13-year-old and his friends listening to Billionaire by Travie McCoy, Featuring Bruno Mars. I think Bruno Mars has an incredible voice. Travie McCoy is from a small town in my neck of the woods. I added it to the playlist thinking that would impress a teenager who is impossible to impress. Song four played on the van’s CD player. (It’s a six disc changer bitches. That’s how I roll!) “I want to be a billionaire so f-ing bad!” (rhymes with trucker) I guess that…
-
Amusing
If I wore tacky t-shirts mine would sayI took six kids to an amusement park and didn’t lose my mind. It was actually my idea to load my kids & nephews (ranging in age from 3 to 16-years-old) into the minivan and drive 50 minutes to Sea Breeze Amusement Park. It is a locally owned park in Rochester, NY. It has all the rides of a chain establishment with much shorter lines. My small army walked single file through the gate. ( Cue: theme song to Rocky) I tagged behind, pulling a red Radio Flyer wagon carrying a cooler of food, a heaping pile of towels and clothes. My kids…
-
Run, Forest, Run
A lady who bears a striking resemblance to an Old Maid card kicked my ass on the high school track. I went for a run yesterday to train for a 5k. The race is today. I am used to running on a treadmill. So, I figured I should introduce my sneakers to pavement. I usually try to avoid exercising in public because I sweat profusely. It was 8:30 a.m. and the track would be empty, right? Wrong! After one lap grandma jumped in lane two. Ha! I thought to myself. Eat my dust grandma! A little healthy competition is a good thing. I threw on will.i.am’s “T.H.E The Hardest Ever.”…
-
Home Alone
I try to tell my children a million times a day how much I love them. (When I am not screaming at them to stop screaming.) Seriously, I want it to be the first thing they hear in the morning and the last thing I say before they fall asleep. Well, last night, my 5-year-old wasn’t having it. “Get away from me,” he cried when I went in for a hug. “I love you,” I said, trying to steal a kiss. He ducked under the covers. This kid was pissed, but I didn’t do anything wrong. He was the one who, moments earlier, knocked his sister to the ground. She…
-
Egg hunt
My kids scored big at today’s Easter egg hunt. They walked away with a dozen or so plastic eggs. I have been to events in the past where it was utter chaos. Toddlers were plowed down by 10-year-old boys. Kindergartners left with empty baskets. The first time I took my son I criticized parents for acting like it was a competition. I had no idea what was at stake. If you don’t have a strategy your child will leave in tears. Today’s hunt was well planned. Organizers had designated areas for each age group. I didn’t have to worry that my 3-year-old would get crushed by a size 9 sneaker.…
-
Monthly Rage
One week, every month, I want to rip my husband’s face off. (Hey grammar/punctuation police, don’t bother emailing me. I am an adult and will use as many damn commas as I want.) Now, don’t get me wrong, there are other times when my spouse annoys me, but this week I make Brandi Glanville seem pleasant. It just so happens in this cycle, PMS will rear its ugly head during Spring Break. No, that doesn’t mean I will be popping Midol before throwing my bikini top on a stage in Daytona Beach. It means my children are home from school for 10 straight days. I like having my kids home,…
-
Strike!
I decided to take the kids bowling today. My 3-year-old and 5-year-old were ecstatic. My son actually jumped up and down, “This is the best day ever!” Who knew floor wax and 1970’s decor could bring him so much joy? It was a monumental day for my daughter as well. This morning, I introduced her to the “spork.” It blew her f-ing mind, “Wait, it’s a spoon and a fork?” That’s right girlfriend, take some time to process that one. I forced my 13-year-old to tag along. He was not happy, but it won’t kill him to spend some quality time with his damn family. The bowling alley in our…