‘Tis the season for my 6-year-old daughter to go around the house gathering her toys, jewelry and crafts made out of toilet paper rolls to wrap up. She is the queen of re-gifting. I remember going to a birthday party as a kid and one of the guests did something similar. She re-gifted used earrings. Some of the girls laughed behind her back. Others felt bad that she couldn’t afford something new. As an adult I think differently about that box of tarnished stud earrings. Perhaps, the gift was actually more thoughtful than any of the scrunchies, banana clips or jelly bracelets we purchased. Maybe she sacrificed her prized possession in order to make a friend happy. Today my daughter wrapped one of her favorite teddy bears, football cards and a few crayons for her grandmother. She was so proud to deliver this gift. “Grandma is going to be so happy,” she said skipping to the front door. I patted myself on the back for raising a daughter with such a giving heart. It doesn’t hurt that she saved me $50.
This video of equally as thoughtful children popped up on my Facebook feed. It was in between a post about a friend frosting Christmas cookies and another demanding I share a post to prove I love my dog. I won’t be bullied into expressing my feelings. My favorite chain letter-eque Facebook post is Share this if you love your children. I think we should be asking people who don’t love their children to ‘like’ a post so Child Protective Services can intervene. Those are the people I’m worried about. Anyway, I ugly-cried watching this video. In this clip, children were given the option of taking a present on their wish list or one for a member of their family. I know at least two of my children would have done the same thing.
I have a new hatred for the paper gowns at a doctors office. I sat in an exam room with an 8-year-old patient for 45 minutes. My son was scheduled for a checkup. It would have been a stress-free appointment had it not been for the constant rustling of the gown. Like most children, he cannot sit still. It’s no secret that I suffer from Misophonia. A crisp apple can send me over the edge. Being in a 10 x 10 room with a child in a paper gown is pure torture. I was on the verge of ripping the damn thing off him when the doctor strolled in like she wasn’t nearly an hour behind schedule. I wanted to scream, “Where the hell have you been?” I bit my tongue.
There are a lot of things I would change about a doctor’s office beginning with the music. I don’t expect the pediatrician to play Wu-Tang Clan, but enough with the Soft Rock. Even Phil Collins doesn’t want to hear A Groovy Kind of Love anymore. It only makes the time drag and conjures up bad memories of middle school. I was like countless teenage girls who sat in their rooms in the late 80s crying over a boy while listening to Phil Collins on a cassette player. You didn’t play a Phil Collins song to get pumped for the big game or when using your thigh master. Phil helped you cry it out.
I could also do without the broken toys, books that are missing pages and magazines from 1998 in the waiting room. Take my $35 co-pay and renew your subscription. Furthermore, if you’re going to have a tv on the wall put some cartoons on it. Watching a busty anchor read an infomercial on heartburn medicine isn’t a good distraction for a child who is about to get a flu shot. She is almost as annoying as a paper gown. Almost.
Have you seen this video? ESPN reporter Britt McHenry goes on a nasty tirade against an attendant for a towing company. Britt was upset that her car was towed while she was at dinner. So, she criticizes the lot clerk’s job, education, teeth and weight. Britt clearly believes she is above this woman because she in on TV and went to college. The funniest part is that Britt thinks she was hired for her degree. Bless her heart. That is like saying the restaurant “Hooters” hires waitresses because of their personalities. ESPN wanted to give their mainly male audience some eye candy. She may actually have sports knowledge, but was on air to wear short, tight dresses. I am sure many viewers heard Charlie Brown’s teacher speak when Britt opened her mouth. I have seen a lot of people responding to this viral video with posts along the lines of ‘this is why you need to be careful what you say because you never know if you are being recorded.’ No, you need to be careful what you say because it’s the right thing to do. You should treat people with respect. ESPN has suspended Britt McHenry, but I imagine she will be in the unemployment line very soon. Perhaps, she should have asked for an application at the towing company before she left.
“It is nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.” – John Templeton.
Here is another podcast for your listening pleasure. I am not pretending to be Howard Stern. It’s a work in progress. I celebrate small victories. For example, I finished this podcast without a single child asking for food. My children want a snack minutes before a meal begins and seconds after a meal ends. I am convinced they have tapeworms.
I think someone killed Elmo to make my new purse. I received it as a gift yesterday from my 5-year-old daughter.
The purse was purchased at the Holiday Gift Shop at school. Every year I give my children money to shop. To outsiders, a.k.a. people without children, it may seem like I am just throwing money away. I might as well burn it. There is no denying the items for sale are crap. You are blinded by the ‘Made in China’ stickers at this shop. It sells everything from rings that turn your finger green, cheap plastic toys to the ever popular #1 dad mug. We have five in the cabinet. It’s a fundraiser for the school and also teaches children about giving. Tell that to “Mary,” a girl in my sons class. Her name has been changed to protect her identity. Apparently, “Mary” decided to partake in the trend of “self gifting” and treat herself. “Mary’s” family won’t be enjoying a Kawala bear knickknack this year.
If anyone else wrapped up a Sesame Street purse I would be offended. It’s like giving someone a Chia Pet or a hot chocolate gift set from CVS. These gifts say “I don’t know you at all.” However, I love this tacky bag. I also love the ring that makes it look like I have gangrene. These gifts are invaluable. My children are beyond excited to hand out these presents. They often tell you, with their faces lit up, what the gift is while you are opening it. It makes me proud; not that they give sh*tty gifts, but that they enjoy giving. They like to make other people happy. It is a beautiful thing. I am doing something right. On the other hand, “Mary’s” mother has some work to do.
I drove to work behind someone who dressed their car as a reindeer. It had antlers and a red nose. I don’t even have time to wash my car let alone dress it. My first car did wear a bra. Do you remember those? It was a Dodge Daytona with a spoiler and a bra. No, I did not grow up in New Jersey. It was the 90s and it came with it. Are people who decorate their car just trying to spread holiday cheer or is it a cry for help? There is a man in my town who glues decorations to a board and attaches it to his car every holiday. What better way to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus than to superglue giant plastic eggs to the hood of your Jeep Cherokee?
I know I sound like a grinch. I’ve had a rough few days. I couldn’t zip my boots and nearly knocked myself out trying to take off a sports bra. The boots are several years old. They were snug to begin with. Designers don’t take cankles into consideration when making boots. I am a little bit thicker, let’s say more muscular, than I was when I bought this particular pair. I got it halfway up and the zipper waved a white flag. Fast forward that evening and after an intense workout I was in a similar situation. Sports bras are difficult to get on, but even harder to take off. It would even stump Fonzie.
I look nothing like the commercial of the sexy woman undressing and more like a clown in the circus. I was spinning, wiggling and twisting, but couldn’t get the damn bra above my shoulders. This is an artist rendering of the entire fiasco:
(Yes, I lost my nose in the process and grew another finger.)
At one point I tripped and landed on my keister, unable to catch myself because one arm was stuck in the bra. I almost cut the damn thing off. I would have, but I am too cheap. The girls need support and mama needs to save her money for Christmas. The man driving the car dressed as a reindeer isn’t going to come down the chimney on December 25th.
The brilliant man who made this video is a friend of mine. Luke Mayo is the father of two girls. He is one of the funniest people I know. His children won’t appreciate his humor until they are much older. My kids think everything I do is dumb. I think I am pretty funny until I crack a joke in a car full of teenage boys and hear crickets. Parents everywhere will get a chuckle out of this clip: