I’ll Be Seeing You

Apparently, there are reality singing competitions all over the world. (There goes the belief that the sun only rises and sets over the United States of America.) This 7-year-old performed on “Norway’s Got Talent.” Angelina Jordan got a standing ovation. It seems nowadays standing ovations are given up as frequently as a Kardashian’s vagina. You have to do something pretty impressive for me to stand up. I like sitting down. I don’t get to to do it very often. However, Jordan deserved the praise. Her performance of Billie Holiday’s “Gloomy Sunday” is beautiful. I cannot believe this big voice comes out of a little girl who is still young enough to lose baby teeth.

Miss Susie had a….

Kids nowadays don’t know how to have fun.  (She says while hiking up support hose and adjusting her false teeth)  Throwing birds at blocks?  Constructing houses with a guy named Steve? Playing video games with your friends who are in a different house?  (The Jetson’s didn’t predict that one either did they?)  That isn’t fun.  We knew how to have a good time when I was child.  We played a game with yarn and called it “Cat’s Cradle” even though it had nothing to do with kitties or a baby.   We smacked hands while singing about buying bread at a Chinese restaurant.  I actually tried to teach my children that game.  They looked at me like I had three heads.  Then, they went back to watching clips of talking oranges on YouTube.  (Who is the freak now?)  It seemed like a perfectly normal song when I was in elementary school.  Now that I am an adult it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

I went to a Chinese restaurant,
to buy a loaf of bread, bread, bread,

Well, that’s where you went wrong.  Why would you go to a Chinese restaurant to buy bread?  Have you ever heard of a bakery?  Grocery store?   Did you buy one loaf of bread or three?
he wrapped it up in a 5 pound bag,

A 5 pound bag?  Is this the last supper?  Who needs 5 pounds of bread?
and this is what he said, said, said….

I heard the first said.  You don’t need to repeat everything three times.
My name is…
Kay Ai Pickle Ai
Pickle Ai Kay Ai
come from Polly
Polly Wally Whisky
Chinese chopsticks…
Chow….
POW!

I am calling bulls**t on that one.  That is not your name.  Besides, nobody asked you for your name.  We asked for 5 pounds of bread. 

I understand this “cute” song is no longer politically correct.  Back then, we didn’t put that much thought into the words.  That is something adults over analyze.  However, we paid very close attention to the lyrics of another tune.  It went a little something like this:

Miss Suzie had a steamboat, her steamboat had a bell.
When Suzie went to heaven, her steamboat went to
Hell-o operator, give me number nine.
And if you disconnect me, I’ll kick your big
Behind the yellow curtain, there was a piece of glass.
When Suzie sat upon it, she cut her big fat
Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies. The cows are in the pasture baking apple pies.

When we weren’t singing offensive songs about a particular ethnicity or cursing we played outside.   That is fun.

Mr. Boombastic

I spent 20 minutes this afternoon in the bathroom of a Mexican restaurant. To quote the great “Shaggy” (a.k.a. Mr. Boombastic) and every person ever arrested for a committing a crime, “It wasn’t me.” My daughter had to use the loo. She also needed to sing every song she ever learned inside that bathroom. The more I encouraged her to speed it up and do the deed, the longer it took. Obviously, I cannot leave a 4- year-old in a public restroom alone. (Thanks a lot creepy guys at restaurants.) However, I have been instructed not to look at her. So, while she sang about being a little popcorn, I faced the opposite direction and surfed the web. This story is a hot topic in our local news:

(Click for link to article. Then, come back here.)

Greece Teacher Resigns Over Foul Lamguage

The teacher is accused of using vulgar language in her classroom. A student snapped this picture last year. (Note to student, you may want to consider a career that doesn’t require a timely response. It took 365 days for the photograph to come out? Did Paul Revere deliver it to the media?)

20140305-151703.jpg

Is it inappropriate to write the word “cocksucker” on the board? (I would have went with ass or bitch) Sure, but does she deserve to lose her job? I don’t think so. It has been said that she used this language to relate to her high school students. She should have chosen another way to reach her students. However, face it, your teenagers aren’t as innocent as you think. Now, I am not a teacher nor could I ever be. I don’t have the patience. I need a Xanax after helping my own kid with math homework. The teacher resigned soon after the school launched an investigation. I would love for the parents who got their panties in a bunch to check their child’s IPod. I’m guessing Lil’ Wayne says a lot more than cocksucker. He isn’t talking about eating actual lollipops. How about we fire teachers who just suck?

(By the way, my apologies to the person waiting to use the restroom. I think we can both agree it was a great rendition of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.)

Ohio boy pays it forward…..

There are stories on the news that make you shake your head, roll your eyes and even yell at the TV.  Then, there are stories that leave a mark.   They are written so well, told so beautifully that you feel strong emotions for a perfect stranger.  You may not remember their name, but you can’t seem to get that person out of your head.  Sometimes a two minute story can change you.  Those are the stories I miss telling and this is one of them:

Instructions not included

The Oscars are a week away and I have seen four of the movies nominated, two of which were animated films.  That is a record for me.   I think the movie “Instructions Not Included” deserved a nomination.  It didn’t resonate with critics, but the common folk gave better reviews.  The Spanish-language film grossed over $40 million.  I saw it in the theater with a good friend of mine, but watched it again on TV over the weekend with my husband.  We tried to start the movie when the kids were still awake.  It was a bad idea.  My 6-year-old is learning to read and is very excited about it.   Do you remember the scene in Rain Man when Dustin Hoffman’s character reads every sign he sees a loud?  My son reads everything, too.  E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.    This is what it was like trying to watch a subtitled movie with him.

 

Thank you…..

I am psyched for the premiere of The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon.   Yes, I just used the word “psyched” to describe my excitement.   To quote Chicago, It’s a hard habit to break. (If you are my age you didn’t read that, you sang it.) I regularly fight the urge to pin my jeans and substitute boxer shorts for actual shorts, but occasionally 90’s slang creeps into my vernacular.

If Fallon ever needs a middle aged woman who struggles to take off skinny jeans (damn you cankles!) in the audience, I am his girl.  I may smuggle snacks in my purse, but I am well behaved. (Spell check kept wanting to change the word “smuggle” to “snuggle.”  My life hasn’t reached the point where I want to snuggle with potato chips and cookies, but never say never.)  One of my favorite bits on Fallon’s old show was the Thank You Notes segment.  It’s hysterical.  Personally, I don’t understand why people get all bent out of shape if they don’t receive a thank-you note.   If you invited me or my kid to the party via text message then I should be able to show my gratitude with an email.  Hell, if you abbreviated words with less than three letters I should be able to shout “Thank You” from a moving vehicle.  Cards are overrated.  They just end up in the garbage.  If you can’t say “Lordy, lordy look whose 40″ to my face then don’t say it at all.  Plus, I can think of better ways to spend $2.99.    Anyway, here are some of Fallon’s best Thank You notes.

 

Look up……

I laughed when I read this article :

Here is an excerpt:


I Look Down On Young Women With Husbands And Kids And I’m Not Sorry

By AMY GLASS

Do people really think that a stay at home mom is really on equal footing with a woman who works and takes care of herself?

blah, blah, blah….


Having kids and getting married are considered life milestones. We have baby showers and wedding parties as if it’s a huge accomplishment and cause for celebration to be able to get knocked up or find someone to walk down the aisle with. These aren’t accomplishments, they are actually super easy tasks, literally anyone can do them. They are the most common thing, ever, in the history of the world. They are, by definition, average. And here’s the thing, why on earth are we settling for average?

blah, blah, blah….

If women can do anything, why are we still content with applauding them for doing nothing?

 

 

Her post is offensive, but I am not angry.  I have met the person she will become.  She is a lonely woman with a lot of regrets.  She sometimes lingers at the grocery store to avoiding going home alone at night.  She dreads the holidays.   She accomplished her career goals, but doesn’t feel successful.  In fact, she encourages young women not to make the same mistake.   Success isn’t defined by your title.  I worked for a decade in the TV news industry before deciding to stay home with my children.  It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made.  Was I a quitter? Quite the contrary.  I got a promotion.  I am home when my children wake up in the morning.  I put them to bed at night.  My work assignments can be taxing.  Have you ever tried to put pants on a toddler who has declared, “Princesses don’t wear underwear?”  Have you ever sat at a kitchen table for an hour trying to help a 6-year-old understand his math lesson while he complains in a Gilbert Gottfried-esque voice?

Sure, cooking, cleaning and doing laundry is not difficult. It sucks, but it’s not hard.  The hard part of my job is being a parent.  It’s not easy to put someone else before yourself.  We aren’t programmed that way.   It’s not easy to be strong when your child is sick or struggling.  It’s not easy to stay calm when they are whining or crying.

I actually applaud women who climb the corporate ladder if  that is what makes them happy.  However, I would argue it’s pretty common for women to do so. This isn’t the 1800’s.   I feel sorry for women who put a career before finding love and/or having a family.   The truth is nobody will care about your promotion in ten years. In fact, the name plate on your office door will probably belong to someone else. My children will remember that I was there for school concerts, field trips, birthdays, sporting events, etc.  My job is important and when I retire I will have an abundance of beautiful memories.   Amy will (the way things are going) only have a few bucks in her 401k.   I would offer to trade places with her for a day, but I don’t think she could handle it.  She thinks taking care of herself is difficult.  Being alone is easy.  That is the path of least resistance.