• Bad boys, bad boys…

    I got pulled over this morning by a cop on a bike.  This was not an episode of “Chips.”  He was on a bicycle.  A police officer on a mountain bike  stopped me in my vehicle.   He made the siren noise with his mouth.   No, not really, but that would’ve been funny.  I was at a stop sign, about six cars from the crosswalk, waiting for the crossing guard to guide some young lads to the other side.   When I grow up I want the confidence of a crossing guard.   She has no fear.   She wears that neon jacket with pride and stops cars like…

  • Funny farm

    I am not perfect.  I know, it may come as a shock to many of you.  I forget things.  If you ask my children’s teachers they will tell you that I forget a lot of things.  I just remembered that I signed up to be chaperone for a school field trip to a farm.  I’m sure that is real comforting for the parents of the children I will be guiding around a large tractor and hay bailer.  Perhaps, I blocked out the trip because of the location. Don’t get me wrong,  I appreciate a hard working farmer.  I appreciate food that comes from farms, but why in the hell would…

  • Rock, paper, scissors 

    I have a new hatred for the paper gowns at a doctors office.  I sat in an exam room with an 8-year-old patient for 45 minutes.   My son was scheduled for a checkup.  It would have been a stress-free appointment had it not been for the constant rustling of the gown.    Like most children, he cannot sit still.   It’s no secret that I suffer from Misophonia.  A crisp apple can send me over the edge.   Being in a 10 x 10 room with a child in a paper gown is pure torture.  I was on the verge of ripping the damn thing off him when the…

  • Things that make you go hmmmmmm

    I actually received an email questioning, “Why haven’t you written anything in the past few days?” I love my fan. I could barely get out of bed, let alone type. I exercise on a daily basis, but my muscles are spent. Raking a million leaves will do that to you. Well, it will do that to you at my age.We got a little behind schedule with our Fall cleanup. Minutes after my husband started clearing the yard today the belt busted on the lawn mower. He insisted he could fix it. This is coming from the same man who “fixed” the oven door with scotch tape. He grabbed his tools.…

  • Under the weather

    I have been battling a head cold for three days. I don’t usually get sick. Then again, my 6-year-old son doesn’t usually sneeze on my face. He was mid-sentence, blew snot on my cheek and finished his thought, “and that’s why I think Batman would totally beat Superman in a fight.” Really? Really? You couldn’t pause to grab a tissue. That deep thought couldn’t wait 10 seconds? A few days later I had the virus that took all three kids out last week. The only difference is nobody is taking care of me. I don’t get a day off. My daughter won’t even ride her tricycle to the store to…

  • Knock, knock

    You’ve got to love those crazy Russians. When they aren’t passing ridiculous laws against the LBGT community or giving (allegedly) chemical weapons to Syria, they make funny commercials. This spot for a flat screen TV is wild. How angry would you be if you were the butt of this joke?

  • Memorable Dessert

    I have never quite understood the fascination with photo cakes.   You will eventually have to butcher someone you love.  Who wants to eat Grandpa’s ear?  Yet, time and time again I see them at parties.  I must admit they do taste good.  There is something about that damn butter cream frosting.  I ordered my son a Batman cake a few years ago that looked like something you would see on “Cake Boss.”  The characters were made with fondant. The attention to detail was amazing, but it tasted like the bottom of sneaker.  Well, what I assume the bottom of a sneaker would taste like. Here is a memorable dessert.  A…

  • Poor Bieber

    Justin Bieber (i before e, except after c) celebrated his 19th birthday this past weekend. It seems like just yesterday he was singing about me plus you. I’ma tell you one time, kids grow up fast. Now, Bieber is wearing his pants below his derrière, smoking weed (allegedly) and wooing the ladies. I don’t care how much that kid is making. His Mom needs to whoop his a**. Pull your trousers up son! I dare my children to make this fashion statement. They wouldn’t leave the house. The Biebs may be one step closer to the legal drinking age, but he is still a whiner. Bieber complained on Twitter how…

  • Germ Buster

    My son came home from school and demonstrated the proper hand washing technique. The school nurse visited their classroom and gave a lesson on how to be Germ Busters. The same child who complains daily about going to school loves pretending to be a teacher. He squirted two pumps of soap in his hand, lathered it between his fingers and asked, “Do we rinse our hands now?” He cut me off before I could speak. He didn’t really want an answer. “No, we don’t,” he said. “Say it together. No. We. Don’t.” Really? This is turning into a game of Simon Says? “No. We. Don’t,” I echoed slowly. His hands…

  • Dinosaur Days

    I have been an emotional wreck lately. Sure, some of my instability can be blamed on hormones. However, it also has a lot to do with the fact that my baby will soon turn 13. I will be the mother of a teenager. It really started to sink in over the past few days while cleaning the basement. I came across a huge bin of dinosaurs. My son loved every kind of dinosaur. He knew everything about them. I can easily say we had hundreds of dinosaur toys. As I picked up each toy I could see him crouched on the kitchen floor, a Tyrannosaurus in one hand and a…