I recently jotted down some of the interesting things that followed after my children said, “Guess what?” Well, that’s a lie. I didn’t jot anything. Who jots anymore? We keep notes on our phones. ‘I typed on my phone’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Anyway, here are a few of my favorites:
I am convinced my children were game show hosts in a past life. They are constantly making me guess things, but there is never a prize. Every statement begins with one question: “Guess what?” I am at a disadvantage. I would have to be the ‘Long Island Medium’ to guess correctly and that’s impossible because my curling iron retired in the 1990s.
“Guess what?” …..
“What?” (Children will speak out of turn on a regular basis, but they won’t finish a sentence unless you say ‘What’ until you are blue in the face)
….. “The caterpillar hatched at school.”
How the hell was I supposed to guess that? A minute ago we were talking about the character you unlocked on Lego Batman. Plus, I thought caterpillars were cut from the Common Core curriculum.
“Guess what? (While eating dinner) ….. You have silver hairs on top of your head.”
Tell me something I don’t know kid.
“Guess what? (While playing with the Barbie Dream House) ….. This Barbie’s mom is dead. She wasn’t nice. ”
Is she threatening me? Did she see this tactic on an episode of the Sopranos?
“Guess what? ….. I slept in the corner of my bed.”
Damn it, I was going to guess you slept in the middle. It’s a good thing I didn’t place any money on that bet.
“Guess what? …... I just burped and it tasted like the cheese I had for lunch”
I believe that is why the hashtag “TMI” was invented.
“Guess what? …… I don’t really like those meatballs”
I could never have guessed that judging by the tantrum you threw 30 minutes ago when I told you I was making spaghetti and meatballs. Well, guess what? I don’t like cooking them. How about we do a little experiment where you try to survive off the land?
“Guess what? ……. I ate the grapes you packed in my lunch today.”
Well, I didn’t pack it as a decoration. I am pleased. Especially since I found out you throw out most of the food in your lunch box. Let’s skip the middleman and I will throw my paycheck directly in the garbage can every two weeks. I don’t mind that I’m using my Botox funds to buy overpriced snacks that go to waste.
“Guess what? ….. “Doug” (withholding child’s actual name to protect myself) got a red card today.”
Was he playing soccer or misbehaving? I would never have guessed that because I don’t know “Doug.” I couldn’t pick him out of a line up and judging by his behavior that may be a possibility one day.
“Guess what?….. someone got mud on the floor in the hallway at school.”
I hope they launch an investigation and find the criminal responsible.
Have you seen this video? ESPN reporter Britt McHenry goes on a nasty tirade against an attendant for a towing company. Britt was upset that her car was towed while she was at dinner. So, she criticizes the lot clerk’s job, education, teeth and weight. Britt clearly believes she is above this woman because she in on TV and went to college. The funniest part is that Britt thinks she was hired for her degree. Bless her heart. That is like saying the restaurant “Hooters” hires waitresses because of their personalities. ESPN wanted to give their mainly male audience some eye candy. She may actually have sports knowledge, but was on air to wear short, tight dresses. I am sure many viewers heard Charlie Brown’s teacher speak when Britt opened her mouth. I have seen a lot of people responding to this viral video with posts along the lines of ‘this is why you need to be careful what you say because you never know if you are being recorded.’ No, you need to be careful what you say because it’s the right thing to do. You should treat people with respect. ESPN has suspended Britt McHenry, but I imagine she will be in the unemployment line very soon. Perhaps, she should have asked for an application at the towing company before she left.
“It is nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.” – John Templeton.
I think someone killed Elmo to make my new purse. I received it as a gift yesterday from my 5-year-old daughter.
The purse was purchased at the Holiday Gift Shop at school. Every year I give my children money to shop. To outsiders, a.k.a. people without children, it may seem like I am just throwing money away. I might as well burn it. There is no denying the items for sale are crap. You are blinded by the ‘Made in China’ stickers at this shop. It sells everything from rings that turn your finger green, cheap plastic toys to the ever popular #1 dad mug. We have five in the cabinet. It’s a fundraiser for the school and also teaches children about giving. Tell that to “Mary,” a girl in my sons class. Her name has been changed to protect her identity. Apparently, “Mary” decided to partake in the trend of “self gifting” and treat herself. “Mary’s” family won’t be enjoying a Kawala bear knickknack this year.
If anyone else wrapped up a Sesame Street purse I would be offended. It’s like giving someone a Chia Pet or a hot chocolate gift set from CVS. These gifts say “I don’t know you at all.” However, I love this tacky bag. I also love the ring that makes it look like I have gangrene. These gifts are invaluable. My children are beyond excited to hand out these presents. They often tell you, with their faces lit up, what the gift is while you are opening it. It makes me proud; not that they give sh*tty gifts, but that they enjoy giving. They like to make other people happy. It is a beautiful thing. I am doing something right. On the other hand, “Mary’s” mother has some work to do.
I drove to work behind someone who dressed their car as a reindeer. It had antlers and a red nose. I don’t even have time to wash my car let alone dress it. My first car did wear a bra. Do you remember those? It was a Dodge Daytona with a spoiler and a bra. No, I did not grow up in New Jersey. It was the 90s and it came with it. Are people who decorate their car just trying to spread holiday cheer or is it a cry for help? There is a man in my town who glues decorations to a board and attaches it to his car every holiday. What better way to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus than to superglue giant plastic eggs to the hood of your Jeep Cherokee?
I know I sound like a grinch. I’ve had a rough few days. I couldn’t zip my boots and nearly knocked myself out trying to take off a sports bra. The boots are several years old. They were snug to begin with. Designers don’t take cankles into consideration when making boots. I am a little bit thicker, let’s say more muscular, than I was when I bought this particular pair. I got it halfway up and the zipper waved a white flag. Fast forward that evening and after an intense workout I was in a similar situation. Sports bras are difficult to get on, but even harder to take off. It would even stump Fonzie.
I look nothing like the commercial of the sexy woman undressing and more like a clown in the circus. I was spinning, wiggling and twisting, but couldn’t get the damn bra above my shoulders. This is an artist rendering of the entire fiasco:
(Yes, I lost my nose in the process and grew another finger.)
At one point I tripped and landed on my keister, unable to catch myself because one arm was stuck in the bra. I almost cut the damn thing off. I would have, but I am too cheap. The girls need support and mama needs to save her money for Christmas. The man driving the car dressed as a reindeer isn’t going to come down the chimney on December 25th.
The brilliant man who made this video is a friend of mine. Luke Mayo is the father of two girls. He is one of the funniest people I know. His children won’t appreciate his humor until they are much older. My kids think everything I do is dumb. I think I am pretty funny until I crack a joke in a car full of teenage boys and hear crickets. Parents everywhere will get a chuckle out of this clip:
I used to be a TV news reporter. I wore a lot of make up. It was like plaster. I don’t wear much anymore. (#LOOKATYOUROWNRISK) In this vlog you will see every nook and cranny. That’s life. I’ve earned each and every line. (….but #WILLWORKFORBOTOX) My mouth sparkles. Growing up, I went to a dentist in a town with one traffic light. He brushed my teeth and billed the insurance company. The end. I had better equipment in my play set at home. So, I got a few cavities. Back then, if you fixed the problem, you looked like Lil’ Wayne. (if he were poor) The fillings were silver. Nobody thought it was a good idea to have fillings that match your tooth? Nobody? Anyway, here is another video blog.
I really hope we have this flight attendant on our next Southwest flight. To quote my southern friend, “She is a hoot.” I fly Southwest because I don’t want to sell my organs on the black market to pay baggage fees. I am dating myself here, but I remember when that was free and we got to eat peanuts on the plane. Those were the good ole’ days. Actually, I would sell my organs and soul for a direct flight. Why would you choose to make stops when traveling with children? That is like buying the 7 day yeast infection cream when there is a 1 day treatment plan.