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Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater
It’s always a good time with my friends until one of the girls talks about sex in front of my pubescent son. We met today at a local pumpkin farm, husbands and children in tow. It’s an annual tradition. This place is like a poor man’s amusement park. Admission is less than $50 for a family of five. There are huge slides, games, a corn maze, wagon rides, farm animals, etc. Plus, this year they added a zip line: I was the middle-aged woman screaming like I had just bungee jumped off the grand canyon. It was fun though. Actually, it was the perfect day. We ate cider donuts and…
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Knock, knock, you’re dead
My daughter just told a knock, knock joke she made up that leads me to believe she A.) Doesn’t quite grasp the concept of a joke B.) Has a sick sense of humor like her mother C.) May grow up to be a serial killer Here is the joke: HER: “Knock,Knock” ME: “Who’s there?” HER: “You” ME: “You who?” HER: “You fell off the scooter and hit your face on the road.” She laughed hysterically. I said, “Well, that would hurt Mommy.” Her reply? “Learn how to take a joke.” Read More: Cynicalmother.com
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Steam Clean
I have come to the conclusion that the best baby shower gift is a steam cleaning machine. Before you are a parent you think you need stuff like a “Diaper Genie.” You can’t smell the dirty diapers that is until you open the lid. If you think shit smells bad, guess how good shit that has been stored for a few days in a plastic container smells? If that thing was a real genie it would make the diapers disappear. Registering for a baby shower alone is like drunk texting. You will regret it. Bring an experienced mother with you. I have used my steam cleaner more than my coffee…
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Are you ready for some football?
It is the time of the year when men focus on something other than sex. Football. Unless you live under a rock you know today is the season opener for most teams in the NFL. I am not your stereotypical woman. Oh, don’t get me wrong I complain every Sunday. I am different in the sense that I actually enjoy watching football. However, the earth I live on doesn’t stop spinning at kickoff. I still have to take care of our three children. One may need food in the 1st quarter, a butt wiped in the 2nd and another will demand I attend a tea party in the 3rd and…