Around the www

I received a comment from an angry reader that started with “Are you kidding me?”  Yes, ma’am.  I am usually kidding.  You need to buy panties with stronger elastic.

I am not in the mood for anonymous insults. When you work in TV news you have to put up with a lot of BS.

Comment: “I don’t like your haircut.”

Response: Thank you for your feedback.

Comment:“You’re a dumb pig.”

Response: “Thank you for your feedback.”

Comment: “Your newscast is so painful it makes my eyes bleed.”

Response: Thank you for your feedback.

I can assure you the reporter, anchor, producer, etc. is thinking something completely different. If the walls in a newsroom could talk…. Now, I don’t have to be nice to rude people. I can be honest.

I was up all night with a sick child.  My 6-year-old has the virus from hell.  He doesn’t have a single symptom all day long,  but coughs the minute his head hits the pillow.   My husband managed to sleep through his hacking episodes.  I cannot.  I got up a million times to adjust his pillows, pat his back, curse, etc.  Each time I leaned over the bed he, in a sound sleep, started swinging like Mike Tyson on his honeymoon. I’m lucky I didn’t wind up with a black eye.

Anyway, I’m too tired to write something witty. So, here are a few of my favorite things on the world wide web.

 

Ohio State Marching Band Michael Jackson Tribute

 

 

What if your favorite brands used honest tag lines?  The answer is hysterical.  Here are a few examples.

 

For the complete list go to :  Twentytwowords.com

 

 

 

I ‘less than 3′ Conan O’Brien :

 

 

My daughter has some dance moves,  but this girl is amazing:

 

Take this job and shove it!

Clearly this woman worked in a newsroom. (cause it looks like a newsroom) I had a similar boss at one point.  News Directors come and go like men through Taylor Swift’s dressing room.  In fact, that guy who eliminated my position via text message and email after a decade of dedicated service? (paging Mrs. Bitterman) Yeah, he just got kicked to the curb.  Karma is a wonderful thing.  Anyway, this other guy would start each morning meeting reading from a tally sheet.  “People love the homicide video. That got the most hits.”  I am so happy their loss is your gain a**hole.  There are journalists who actually care about people and telling a good story.   Anyway, resignation letters are so 1995.  This interpretive dance for her boss is solid gold.

Strong as a pig

My son made my husband the cutest gift for Father’s Day. Yes, I know it was last week. My husband got the royal treatment: he slept in and enjoyed Hot Pockets for dinner. Talk about truth in advertising. Hot Pockets are really hot if you follow the directions on the box. My husband had complained a week earlier that, despite having a refrigerator and freezer stock full, that there wasn’t any food in the house. Translation: he wanted instant gratification and didn’t want to cook. Well, since we can’t afford to hire a personal chef and I am not one I purchased boxes of Hot Pockets. I love this Jim Gaffigan bit on the tasty treat:

I found the Father’s Day gift in my son’s back pack under a crumbled cookie and sucker stick. Where I am from we call it a sucker. You may refer to it as a lollipop. We also call soda: “pop.” What kind of pop do you want? I try to get all fancy and order soda, but pop always finds its way back into my vernacular.

Here is the gift. Take note that my son wishes his Dad was a scuba diver. He could fight off sharks since he is strong as a pig. I am definitely saving this project.

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Crop Circles

It’s a matter of time before my house is featured, alongside Bat Boy, on the cover of “Weekly World News.” Then, tour buses will line the
street as people pay to get a glimpse of the apparent crop circles. Well, I hate to disappoint you. Aliens did not travel across the galaxy to doodle in my yard. My husband mowed the lawn. He was far too busy rockin’ out to Alice in Chains (True story. This is after he changed out of his ripped jeans and hyper color t-shirt) to realize the mower deck was lopsided. I don’t know what happened, but this is the finished product.

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What makes this story even better is that he not only mowed our lawn, but cut the neighbor’s grass too. He was trying to be helpful. She came outside with a horrified look on her face probably expecting to see E.T. Instead she saw my husband cruising on a Toro in a white tank top. (Another true story. He bought it himself a few weeks ago. Cue the banjo.) Of course, he insists I must broken the mower. The lawn didn’t look this bad when I did it. (Yet another true story)