Allow me to rephrase that

I feel dirty.

I just called my father to ask if he would watch my daughter while I picked up my 5-year-old son from school. I knew he would say yes, but offered a bribe anyway. “If you come over I will give you a body wash,” I said. “What?” he sounded confused. “I will give you a body wash,” I repeated in a sweeter voice. He seemed disgusted, “You will give me a what?” I have a closet of toiletries from extreme couponing. We won’t have to buy deodorant ever again. Need floss? I got you covered. Earlier today my father asked, “Do you have anymore of that soap you gave me? I really like it.” I was offering him Right Guard Total Defense Body Wash NOT to wash his body. “That soap stuff,” I stuttered. It dawned on me when I hung up the phone how disturbing my first offer must have sounded. I am sure that may be normal in some parts of West Virginia, but not here. I love my Dad, but I think I just threw up in my mouth.