I am getting divorced. There, I said it and I’m still breathing. I didn’t think that was possible for a very long time. I didn’t think I could function alone even though I was already juggling so many things on my own. These fears were instilled in me many years ago. It was like a broken record only it wasn’t playing Prince. It was a loud, bad yelp review on loop.
Now, I am building a wall. I’m not talking about the wall one asks Mexico to pay for. I am building a wall around myself. My children will be on this side. Occasionally, I will let down my hair for friends and family. Besides the whole kidnapping, lying and betrayal thing… Rapunzel’s mother was on to something. Isolating yourself from negativity, abuse, etc. is a good thing. Over here I won’t listen to anyone who tells me I am a not enough. I will drown out the person who causes me to look in a mirror with disgust. I allowed words like bitch, loser, pig, ugly, moron, whore, the word that starts with a “c” and ends with an “unt” to be said. I didn’t sign a slip, but by listening, believing or making excuses you are giving permission. It took years of therapy to realize that sacrificing your happiness to protect someone else will slowly kill you.
I lost myself. Instead of being the confident girl who once rocked a mullet and wore a WHAM “Wake me up before you go, go.” shirt to school….I questioned everything I did. My joke wasn’t funny enough. I didn’t appreciate enough. I wasn’t smart enough. My family didn’t have enough money. I didn’t deserve to go places. I was an embarrassment. I didn’t earn enough. Instead of marveling in the fact that three babies grew in this body I focused on the flaws pointed out to me. It took up so much space in my mind. It stole my joy. I tried to fight back. I have been known to tell a person or two to go where the sun doesn’t shine. Even strong women get tired. I’m tired of fighting. From this moment forward, I’m putting down the gloves and walking away.
This wall is going to block negative texts and social media posts used as a weapon. I am going to add those Facebook messages that read like chain letters to the list, too. Nobody has time for that. I need to do something I should have done a long time ago. Honestly, it’s something Rapunzel should have done, too…. I’m going to save myself.