A month into school and we have already been convicted of a crime. There was no formal indictment or a trail before a jury of our peers. We were accused of losing a library book.  A librarian was in complete control of our lives.  We spent day and night looking for a book that was not at our house.  I may not remember important milestones in my child’s life.  I also forgot about my son’s first field trip in preschool, but I know my son brought his books back to school. Did she really forget her son’s field trip? Yes, I sent him to a farm on a cold, rainy…

My daughter turns 4 in a few weeks. I set a date, but have yet to plan her party. With my first child I planned a grand soirée every year. He doesn’t remember a single birthday party before age 5, but I threw down a chunk of change at Chuck E. Cheese. Oh yeah, I am a high roller. I walk into the Dollar Store waving bills shouting, “I got money to spend here.” My middle child had his first birthday party with friends in kindergarten. Someday, he will vent to a therapist about how he got the shaft. I don’t bake homemade cakes anymore either. Of course, by homemade…

I don’t usually post videos of blonde bimbos. However, someone emailed a video that is too good not to share. I don’t care if my daughter grows up to be Miss America or swims from Cuba to the U.S. By the way, am I the only one who finds it odd that Diana Nyad is going to swim to benefit victims of Hurricane Sandy? (She is going to be joined by Ryan Lochte and Richard Simmons. Take a moment to process that one.) I just think you could have picked a fundraiser on dry land to help people who lost everything in water. I digress…. My point is I want…

My 13-year-old devoured his breakfast, carried his plate to the sink and said, “You’re welcome.” I looked around to see who he was talking to. I was the only person left sitting in the room. I was the one who just made him pancakes. Why was he passive aggressively demanding a thank-you from me? “I put my plate in the sink for you,” he said. Pour Moi? Oh honey, you didn’t put that plate in the sink for me. You did it because it was your dirty plate. Does my name tag say Benson? After a brief lecture he washed that plate. This encounter inspired me to write an open…

My daughter cried today because I threw away her apple princess.  I’m not kidding.  She drew a face on an apple and played with it.  She is really creative.  She has buckets full of actual princesses created by corporations to make money.  Why am I wasting my Alexander Hamilton’s on toys when I could just buy produce. She put the apple to bed in the refrigerator and forgot about it, I mean her.  “Oh, real good friend you are,” I thought to myself.  You aren’t worthy of dancing in a fountain while a Rembrandts song plays.   I warned the rest of the family not to ingest the Empire covered in…