Goodnight Dust on the Cable Box

Have you ever read “Goodnight Moon” and thought, How the hell is this book considered a classic? I don’t mean any disrespect to Margaret Wise, but really? Really? First of all, I would not have chosen that particular shade of green paint.

The author basically lists everything in the room.

there was a telephone
and a red balloon.
and a picture of –
a cow jumping over the moon.

There were also bears on chairs, a mouse and a bowl full of mush. If you took care of the dirty dishes you could eliminate the rodent problem. I’m surprised they don’t have ants, too. Next, the narrator wishes everything good night. The end. Yet, kids love this book. I have read it a loud a million times. Honestly, it pisses me off each time. I could have written this!

My version would go something like this:

In the dull yellow room that I’m too lazy to paint –
There was –
A basket of laundry that should have been put away three days ago
An empty can of Diet Coke that I drank real slow
A pile of princess dolls
My husband’s dirty socks
And dust on the cable box.
Goodnight laundry
Goodnight empty can of Diet Coke
Goodnight pile of princess dolls
Goodnight dirty socks
And dust on the cable box.

Goodnight child here
Goodnight child (please go to sleep) over there
Goodnight (you better go to sleep right now or you will lose your IPad tomorrow) children everywhere.

The End.

Then, there is “There was an Old Lady.” My 6-year-old brought this book home again tonight. Snuggle under the covers sweetie, Mommy is going to read you a book about a woman who eats family pets , barnyard animals and kicks the bucket.

Nobody thought to intervene after she ate the bird? She clearly doesn’t have any real friends.

Where was Britney Spears’ father when you need him? What makes this book even more disturbing are the illustrations.

That girl seems a little too happy that the lady may die. I would keep her away from animals, too.

The last page of the book reads “I know an old lady who swallowed a horse. She’s dead of course.” Okay, sweet dreams little buddy!