I recently jotted down some of the interesting things that followed after my children said, “Guess what?” Well, that’s a lie. I didn’t jot anything. Who jots anymore? We keep notes on our phones. ‘I typed on my phone’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Anyway, here are a few of my favorites:
I am convinced my children were game show hosts in a past life. They are constantly making me guess things, but there is never a prize. Every statement begins with one question: “Guess what?” I am at a disadvantage. I would have to be the ‘Long Island Medium’ to guess correctly and that’s impossible because my curling iron retired in the 1990s.
“Guess what?” …..
“What?” (Children will speak out of turn on a regular basis, but they won’t finish a sentence unless you say ‘What’ until you are blue in the face)
….. “The caterpillar hatched at school.”
How the hell was I supposed to guess that? A minute ago we were talking about the character you unlocked on Lego Batman. Plus, I thought caterpillars were cut from the Common Core curriculum.
“Guess what? (While eating dinner) ….. You have silver hairs on top of your head.”
Tell me something I don’t know kid.
“Guess what? (While playing with the Barbie Dream House) ….. This Barbie’s mom is dead. She wasn’t nice. ”
Is she threatening me? Did she see this tactic on an episode of the Sopranos?
“Guess what? ….. I slept in the corner of my bed.”
Damn it, I was going to guess you slept in the middle. It’s a good thing I didn’t place any money on that bet.
“Guess what? …... I just burped and it tasted like the cheese I had for lunch”
I believe that is why the hashtag “TMI” was invented.
“Guess what? …… I don’t really like those meatballs”
I could never have guessed that judging by the tantrum you threw 30 minutes ago when I told you I was making spaghetti and meatballs. Well, guess what? I don’t like cooking them. How about we do a little experiment where you try to survive off the land?
“Guess what? ……. I ate the grapes you packed in my lunch today.”
Well, I didn’t pack it as a decoration. I am pleased. Especially since I found out you throw out most of the food in your lunch box. Let’s skip the middleman and I will throw my paycheck directly in the garbage can every two weeks. I don’t mind that I’m using my Botox funds to buy overpriced snacks that go to waste.
“Guess what? ….. “Doug” (withholding child’s actual name to protect myself) got a red card today.”
Was he playing soccer or misbehaving? I would never have guessed that because I don’t know “Doug.” I couldn’t pick him out of a line up and judging by his behavior that may be a possibility one day.
“Guess what?….. someone got mud on the floor in the hallway at school.”
I hope they launch an investigation and find the criminal responsible.