Please pull ahead sir

I just wanted a bagel. I don’t ask for much. I am lucky if I eat most mornings. I am too busy feeding everyone else in this family. For once, I wasn’t running late and had time to stop for food. I cheerfully ordered a pretzel bagel with cream cheese on the side. I have convinced myself there are fewer calories that way. I have no intention of eating less cream cheese. I will lick that container clean.

The sky was a crystal blue that morning with clouds scattered like a Bob Ross painting. I took a deep breath and thought ‘appreciate what you have.’ I received news recently that a friend’s father passed away. It puts things into perspective.

The sun was shining. ‘This was going to be a great day.’ Then, I heard a cough. It was a deep, phlegmy, cough. It was the kind of cough you would hear during a Bridge tournament at a senior center. A worker inside the bake shop was hacking into his hand. Please don’t wait on me. Please don’t wait on me. Please don’t wait on me. Sure enough, Mr. North Korea grabbed a napkin, threw it in the bag and passed it through the window. My heart sank. Thanks a lot. There was no way in hell I could eat that.

I decided to go next door to McDonalds. Ronald wouldn’t dare bring a virus to work. I got in line behind a rusty white pick up truck that was one rain storm away from falling apart. This truck was at the order screen for five minutes. Was he ordering sandwiches for an entire village? I had to know. I opened the window to hear the cashier say, “Your total is $3.24.” What? It took that long to decide on one item? Did this man just get out of prison? Is he filming a show on TLC about people with Aboulomania? I placed my order in five seconds, but still had to wait. The passenger in the pickup was screaming at a McDonald’s worker. His arms were flailing as he tossed f-bombs her way. The cursing continued to the pick up window. I asked the pregnant McDonald’s employee who cashed me out what was happening. Yes, she was pregnant and he was screaming at her because of the prices. Did she just leave a board meeting at corporate headquarters? She doesn’t dictate the prices.


The cursing continued at the young man at the next window. I was relieved when they drove away. Of course, I ended up beside those guys at the stop light. I tried to stay quiet. I really did, but couldn’t fight the urge. I gently honked the horn and rolled down the window. The man, who moments earlier was terrorizing people in polyester pants who work for minimum-wage, followed suit. He actually had to wind the handle. Apparently that is how gangstas roll. “You should be ashamed of yourself,” I said. “Is that how your mother raised you?” My heart was racing. I just disobeyed every piece of advice Oprah ever gave me. “Go f*ck yourself, b*tch! You don’t f*cking know me, you dumb wh*re,” said the angry Cheeseburglar. I may not know when to shut my mouth, but I know when to get the hell out of dodge. I gunned the minivan. My only regret is that I didn’t give him the diseased bagel before I left.

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