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Teacher’s only
I finally did something I have wanted to do since I was a kid. I peed in the staff bathroom at my old elementary school. When I was in the second grade I saw two teachers walk out of the bathroom laughing. They are having fun in there. I imagined parties with candy, gold sinks and fancy soaps. Why else would they forbid kids to enter? I volunteer every Tuesday to read with the students in my son’s class. You haven’t lived until you’ve listened to the same story over and over and over again. I could recite the book, “Kit’s Mitt” with my eyes closed. It’s about a girl…
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F**k you, Caillou
Ten things I would rather do than watch Caillou. 10. Get a Brazilian wax 9. Give a Brazilian wax 8. Wake up in 1970 with a debit card and no cash 7. Wake up next to Carrot Top 6. Be a Kardashian 5. Be Kid Rock’s Loofah 4. Try on swimsuits with model Giselle Bund- whatever the hell her name 3. Eat out of the nacho fountain at Old Country Buffet 2. Walk around Orlando, Florida in August wearing a long sleeve pantsuit made out of bacon 1. Call my bank using a rotary telephone
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Bad Words
There is only one way to end this stellar day and that is binging on a heaping pile of waffle fries before midnight at an airport restaurant. A few women, whose diet likely consists of water and rice cakes, stared in envy. A guy in a Duck Dynasty sweatshirt gave me a thumbs up. #WINNING My journey to the Big Apple is coming to an end. I was invited to a screening of Jason Bateman’s directorial debut, “Bad Words.” (The film is set to be released on March 14th.) I brought my good friend Kristin with me. We stopped for a drink at Tao before the movie. (Oh, you fancy,…
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I’ll Be Seeing You
Apparently, there are reality singing competitions all over the world. (There goes the belief that the sun only rises and sets over the United States of America.) This 7-year-old performed on “Norway’s Got Talent.” Angelina Jordan got a standing ovation. It seems nowadays standing ovations are given up as frequently as a Kardashian’s vagina. You have to do something pretty impressive for me to stand up. I like sitting down. I don’t get to to do it very often. However, Jordan deserved the praise. Her performance of Billie Holiday’s “Gloomy Sunday” is beautiful. I cannot believe this big voice comes out of a little girl who is still young enough…
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How to Poop at Work
This is quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever seen. You know you can relate.
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Miss Susie had a….
Kids nowadays don’t know how to have fun. (She says while hiking up support hose and adjusting her false teeth) Throwing birds at blocks? Constructing houses with a guy named Steve? Playing video games with your friends who are in a different house? (The Jetson’s didn’t predict that one either did they?) That isn’t fun. We knew how to have a good time when I was child. We played a game with yarn and called it “Cat’s Cradle” even though it had nothing to do with kitties or a baby. We smacked hands while singing about buying bread at a Chinese restaurant. I actually tried to teach my children that…
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The Lily Ann Workout
This workout video has gone viral and it’s clear why.
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Mr. Boombastic
I spent 20 minutes this afternoon in the bathroom of a Mexican restaurant. To quote the great “Shaggy” (a.k.a. Mr. Boombastic) and every person ever arrested for a committing a crime, “It wasn’t me.” My daughter had to use the loo. She also needed to sing every song she ever learned inside that bathroom. The more I encouraged her to speed it up and do the deed, the longer it took. Obviously, I cannot leave a 4- year-old in a public restroom alone. (Thanks a lot creepy guys at restaurants.) However, I have been instructed not to look at her. So, while she sang about being a little popcorn, I…
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Ohio boy pays it forward…..
There are stories on the news that make you shake your head, roll your eyes and even yell at the TV. Then, there are stories that leave a mark. They are written so well, told so beautifully that you feel strong emotions for a perfect stranger. You may not remember their name, but you can’t seem to get that person out of your head. Sometimes a two minute story can change you. Those are the stories I miss telling and this is one of them:
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Instructions not included
The Oscars are a week away and I have seen four of the movies nominated, two of which were animated films. That is a record for me. I think the movie “Instructions Not Included” deserved a nomination. It didn’t resonate with critics, but the common folk gave better reviews. The Spanish-language film grossed over $40 million. I saw it in the theater with a good friend of mine, but watched it again on TV over the weekend with my husband. We tried to start the movie when the kids were still awake. It was a bad idea. My 6-year-old is learning to read and is very excited about it. Do…