• Tooth fairy returns

    I want to go to sleep, but I can’t. It’s my own fault. I am the moron who thought it would be a good idea to tell a tall tale. I was the one who convinced my child that a fairy will collect his teeth. It didn’t take much. Actually, I question a child’s intelligence every time I tell this lie. A fairy? Really? Really? A woman flies in your room and gives you money for your tooth? You won’t believe me when I say we are out of cookies, but this broad is legit? You aren’t questioning her sanity or mine for letting her in our house? Anyway, I…

  • 80’s party

    What the hell were we thinking in the 80’s? The clothes? The hair? (And why the hell do kids want to dress like that in 2013?) Creating the perfect poof is a lot more work than I remember. I had to bust out the Aqua Net last night for an 80’s themed birthday party. Yes, they still sell it. It took me an hour to get ready. Curling, teasing, curling, more teasing until my hair was taller than a top hat. Add a scrunchie and blue eye shadow and I was ready for a Tiffany concert at the mall. My outfit was good. My friend’s costumes were amazing. My personal…

  • Insane in da brain

    I thought I was going to lose my mind today. I didn’t start a fire in my neighbor’s driveway or tweet to Drake requesting he murder my vagina. I did start a load of laundry without adding detergent. I know, insane in the membrane. (Insane in da brain) My children got on every last nerve. They were extremely whiny, teasing and fighting with one another non-stop. On an average day I get a brief reprieve when my daughter takes a nap. She didn’t sleep today. “He’s looking at me!” Really? I am supposed to punish your brother for looking in the direction you are standing? My 6-year-old was channeling Sally…

  • You scream, I scream

    My kids have discovered the ice cream truck. I was outside weeding when I heard the faint sound of a bell ringing. It brought back fond memories of my childhood. The ice cream truck was nearby. I dropped my gardening tool and ran inside to grab my purse. Well, it was more of a speed walk. “Hey guys! It’s the ice cream truck!” My children had no idea what the hell I was talking about, but ran outside anyway, “What’s an ice cream truck?” I explained, “You can buy ice cream right outside your house!” I sounded like I was selling the ShamWow. My son was skeptical, “Real ice cream?”…

  • Real problem

    Just when you are starting to feel good about yourself a child will crush your self esteem. My 3-year-old daughter recently asked me, “Can I tell you something?” Usually what follows is I have to pee. or I want juice. So, I let my guard down. “Sure sweetie, what is it?” She smacked her lips together and after a dramatic pause said, “Well, your breath stinks and it’s a real problem.” Really? “That’s the truth,” she said, threw up her hands and walked away. It’s not like I suffer from halitosis. I enjoyed a cup of coffee. Now I have to pop mints to impress a toddler? My daughter also…

  • Fancy food

    We had big plans tonight. The entire family was going out to dinner. We were tired of just hearing stories about restaurants that serve food on plates instead of baskets and put cloth napkins on tables. We were gonna take the kids to see one of them fancy joints. It may not seem like much to people without children. It is a huge deal. I made sure the entire family was dressed like Jcrew models. Well, with the exception of pairing red, orange, purple and green in a single outfit. I have said it before and will again. The models in the catalog always look great, but when I mix…

  • Amusing

    If I wore tacky t-shirts mine would sayI took six kids to an amusement park and didn’t lose my mind. It was actually my idea to load my kids & nephews (ranging in age from 3 to 16-years-old) into the minivan and drive 50 minutes to Sea Breeze Amusement Park. It is a locally owned park in Rochester, NY. It has all the rides of a chain establishment with much shorter lines. My small army walked single file through the gate. ( Cue: theme song to Rocky) I tagged behind, pulling a red Radio Flyer wagon carrying a cooler of food, a heaping pile of towels and clothes. My kids…

  • Bag lady

    I am a bad ass, a rebel. I snuck candy, popcorn and drinks into the movie theater tonight. Booyah! Okay, so I am just cheap. We took the entire family to the movies. It cost nearly 50 bucks for tickets alone. When I was a kid it cost between $3 – $5 to catch a flick. I also walked barefoot, up a hill and in the snow to the schoolhouse. Well, maybe not, but I feel that old. My husband took my 13-year-old to watch World War Z. I took our 3 and 6-year-old’s to see Monsters University. I hate scary movies. Actually, I hate anything scary and that includes…

  • Crop Circles

    It’s a matter of time before my house is featured, alongside Bat Boy, on the cover of “Weekly World News.” Then, tour buses will line the street as people pay to get a glimpse of the apparent crop circles. Well, I hate to disappoint you. Aliens did not travel across the galaxy to doodle in my yard. My husband mowed the lawn. He was far too busy rockin’ out to Alice in Chains (True story. This is after he changed out of his ripped jeans and hyper color t-shirt) to realize the mower deck was lopsided. I don’t know what happened, but this is the finished product. What makes this…

  • Can you afford it?

    Do you know what’s worse than waiting in a long line at Walmart? Loading a cart full of groceries on the belt before realizing your wallet is missing. Yeah, this happened to me tonight. Panic immediately set in. I scanned the store for Oliver Twist, but only saw a woman in pajamas and a man with star tattoos on his face. Did I drop it? I put my groceries back into the cart as my daughter questioned loudly, “What’s wrong Mommy? You don’t have enough money?” I use this excuse from time to time when she asks for a toy. Awesome. I may not be able to afford Diet Dr.…