• Like, Totally

    My 3-year-old daughter still loves to snuggle. She climbed on my lap this afternoon and rested her head on my chest. There is no greater joy. I hope these moments won’t fade from my memory, but there is a good chance it all will. I can barely remember my oldest as a baby. I know every word to a Milli Vanilli song, but without looking at pictures I can’t recall milestones in my child’s life. I can’t remember much of anything these days. It’s called “Mom Brain.” Millions suffer from it. There is no known cure, but is likely caused by years of sleep deprivation and worry. Last week, I…

  • RIP Old Faithful

    I am in mourning. My favorite jeans are near the end. They have been with me for years. They didn’t even give out when I crammed my post baby ass inside. It is difficult to find a pair of jeans that are comfortable and flattering. I think I would rather watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians than shop for jeans. (and that is hell) Nowadays young girls wear pants that barely cover their va-jay-jays. I can’t do low-rise. A girl like myself can’t wear skinny jeans either. I tried on a pair at the Gap and thought I would spend the rest of my life in that dressing room. I…

  • VIP

    Once you have children it takes a lot of planning to coordinate a girl’s night out. Last night our calendars were empty. The men would stay home with the kids. My husband assured me he would leave work on time. I took off the yoga pants and put on clothes. I was even going to wear heels. I was as giddy as a child on Christmas morning. Would I really have adult conversation tonight? I wonder what it is like to have hot food? Alcohol? The time I expected my husband to arrive came and went. Then, I got the call, ” I ran out of gas.” Let me repeat.…

  • Germ Buster

    My son came home from school and demonstrated the proper hand washing technique. The school nurse visited their classroom and gave a lesson on how to be Germ Busters. The same child who complains daily about going to school loves pretending to be a teacher. He squirted two pumps of soap in his hand, lathered it between his fingers and asked, “Do we rinse our hands now?” He cut me off before I could speak. He didn’t really want an answer. “No, we don’t,” he said. “Say it together. No. We. Don’t.” Really? This is turning into a game of Simon Says? “No. We. Don’t,” I echoed slowly. His hands…

  • 5 Second Rule

    I just read about a new study that debunks “The 5 Second Rule!” Researchers at San Diego State University found that bacteria can actually attach itself to food in seconds. I know y’all are probably wicked smart, but my reaction to your findings: No s***! Parents don’t actually believe it to be a legitimate rule. It just makes our lives easier. I can’t boil a pacifier every time it falls to the ground. Sure, first time parents are overly cautious. By kid #3 you don’t bat an eyelash if they eat dirt. No, I’m not going to allow my child to eat food off the floor of a gas station…

  • Suzie

    My 2-year-old daughter wants to go live with Suzie. She hasn’t called to reserve a UHaul yet. This was a rash decision, made out of anger. After a long day, which included a fun birthday party at the zoo, she was extremely tired. In situations like this I would normally say “screw bath time,” but, at one point tonight, she was in close proximity to Rhino shit. So, I peeled off her clothing and plopped her in the bathtub. She was kicking and screaming, “I don’t like you anymore. I’m going to live with Suzie.” It would be an impossible move since Suzie doesn’t exist. Suzie came into our lives…

  • Bag lady

    My 2-year-old daughter is either a Kleptomaniac or preparing for life as a bag lady. Either way it is getting out of control: She started by loading her bags with her favorite toys and books. It was cute. She would bring a purse wherever we went. She was mimicking me. However, I also have a random mint, coins and crumbs in my purse. Then, other items in our house began to disappear: picture frames, magnets, pencils and even the Bible some wacky guy gave my son outside the school. I need to throw away the Winona Rider and Lindsey Lohan movies. In the meantime, you have been warned. Lock up…

  • Name That Tune

    You haven’t lived until you’ve listened to the techno mix of Baa, Baa, Black Sheep. My daughter has a toy with 27 different versions of traditional kids songs. The Gangham Style mix of Old McDonald Had a Farm will blow your mind. (or drive you to drink) Honestly, it’s a great toy to work on the alphabet and hand/eye coordination. It would have been perfect, but some a-hole without kids decided it needed a setting with computerized music. I recognize just about every song. I would have kicked ass on “Name That Tune.” (Come on though, no way those people could name a tune in one note. One note? I’m…

  • Steam Clean

    I have come to the conclusion that the best baby shower gift is a steam cleaning machine. Before you are a parent you think you need stuff like a “Diaper Genie.” You can’t smell the dirty diapers that is until you open the lid. If you think shit smells bad, guess how good shit that has been stored for a few days in a plastic container smells? If that thing was a real genie it would make the diapers disappear. Registering for a baby shower alone is like drunk texting. You will regret it. Bring an experienced mother with you. I have used my steam cleaner more than my coffee…

  • Mission Impossible

    Sometimes I envy people who can put their child into bed at night and walk away. I’m a wuss and was never able to leave the room when my babies were crying. So, I have rocked them to sleep or laid down with them. (We even went for car rides at midnight to get my son to sleep) There is nothing like having a child fall asleep in your arms. However, there are those nights when you just want the kids to go to f****** sleep. My husband and I have been trying to watch a movie together for the past, oh, year or so. We were going to make…