• Candy Girl

    I have hit a new low. In an attempt to drop a few more pounds I cleared out my candy stash. I am the bridesmaid is another wedding. It is a month away and my dress may burst at the seam during the electric slide. Some women fantasize about Channing Tatum. Me? I imagine a romantic evening at the chocolate factory with Mr. Wonka. The perfect day would include a slice of carrot cake for breakfast, banana cream pie for lunch and a Hersey’s chocolate bar for dinner. I am addicted to sweets. I always have candy in my pantry, desk drawer or purse. Sometimes all three are stocked. Well,…

  • STFU people without kids

    Believe me. I get annoyed with parents writing posts about their perfect children. I know it’s all BS and your child is really Satan. However, I actually enjoy looking at pictures my friends post on Facebook of their kids. Blair Koenig does not. This chick started a blog called STFU Parents. We all know a Blair. She is the bitter woman who doesn’t have children. She may not want them. Perhaps she is jealous because much of her adult life has been spent on a bar stool or hugging porcelain. Some of her stuff is really funny, but some of it is mean. There is a simple solution. Adjust the…

  • Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater

    It’s always a good time with my friends until one of the girls talks about sex in front of my pubescent son. We met today at a local pumpkin farm, husbands and children in tow. It’s an annual tradition. This place is like a poor man’s amusement park. Admission is less than $50 for a family of five. There are huge slides, games, a corn maze, wagon rides, farm animals, etc. Plus, this year they added a zip line: I was the middle-aged woman screaming like I had just bungee jumped off the grand canyon. It was fun though. Actually, it was the perfect day. We ate cider donuts and…

  • Knock, knock, you’re dead

    My daughter just told a knock, knock joke she made up that leads me to believe she A.) Doesn’t quite grasp the concept of a joke B.) Has a sick sense of humor like her mother C.) May grow up to be a serial killer Here is the joke: HER: “Knock,Knock” ME: “Who’s there?” HER: “You” ME: “You who?” HER: “You fell off the scooter and hit your face on the road.” She laughed hysterically. I said, “Well, that would hurt Mommy.” Her reply? “Learn how to take a joke.” Read More: Cynicalmother.com

  • Mission Impossible

    Sometimes I envy people who can put their child into bed at night and walk away. I’m a wuss and was never able to leave the room when my babies were crying. So, I have rocked them to sleep or laid down with them. (We even went for car rides at midnight to get my son to sleep) There is nothing like having a child fall asleep in your arms. However, there are those nights when you just want the kids to go to f****** sleep. My husband and I have been trying to watch a movie together for the past, oh, year or so. We were going to make…

  • I’m Sexy and I Know It

    We had our first conference with the teacher this morning.  It wasn’t scheduled.  We were running late, as usual.  My husband and son walked in the building moments before the bell rang.  As my he turned to leave the teacher stopped him, “Can I have word with you?”  Oh no, what did he do?  Was he speaking out of turn?  Did he hit someone?  Did he use a red crayon when he was told to use green?  None of the above.  “I am very proud of your son,” she continued.  “Yesterday a few boys were singing “I’m Sexy and I know It” during playtime.  Your son pulled the boys aside…

  • Are you ready for some football?

    It is the time of the year when men focus on something other than sex. Football. Unless you live under a rock you know today is the season opener for most teams in the NFL. I am not your stereotypical woman. Oh, don’t get me wrong I complain every Sunday. I am different in the sense that I actually enjoy watching football. However, the earth I live on doesn’t stop spinning at kickoff. I still have to take care of our three children. One may need food in the 1st quarter, a butt wiped in the 2nd and another will demand I attend a tea party in the 3rd and…

  • I have arrived

    I am in the latest issue of a new online magazine for mom’s. I encourage you to check it out. There are some pretty incredible women featured on this site. Hell yes I’m referring to me too! BonbonBreak.com

  • Vindication!

    I was pressured to potty train each of my three children.   “You better get that baby out of diapers.”  I wasn’t being lazy.   I didn’t enjoy cleaning feces off my child’s arse.  They weren’t ready.  Still, I caved to the constant criticism.  My son cried like Nancy Kerrigan as he sat on the potty chair.  Whhhhhyy?   I bought a seat with cartoon characters hoping to make the experience fun.  More tears.  I purchased a seat that played music when he tinkled.  More tears.  I became a potty chair collector.   However, unlike Precious Moments figurines,  I couldn’t display them in a curio cabinet.  (I never quite understood the fascination with that…