-
Question #15
I don’t watch much news on TV since leaving the business. It is partially due to the fact that my television is locked on cartoons. My days are spent with pigs that grunt mid sentence, rabbits who have no adult supervision and a fox struggling with Kleptomania. I DVR most of the shows I enjoy. I hope to watch them when my children go off to college. I read about current events on my phone. I actually prefer it to watching an hour long broadcast. It allows me to skip the depressing stories and scroll to headlines like this: Former Shoe Salesman Arrested For Trying to Cut Off Ex-Girlfriend’s Toe…
-
Holy Charlie Brown!
I thought I would share my recent discovery. You’ve probably heard about people who have seen Jesus on inanimate objects. For example, there was a woman who claims Christ appeared on her toast. There is no denying what that looks like! I haven’t had any sightings of biblical proportions. I have seen Mick Jagger on bologna in the deli case. (True story. Check my archives.) Recently, while making brownies, I spotted this: I opened the frosting and saw none other than Charlie Brown. What message is Dunkin Hines trying to send me? I thought about listing the container for sale on EBay. Then, I remembered brownies taste even better with…
-
Easter party
When your kids are young their faces light up the moment you enter a room. Inevitably, when they become teenagers, that smile disappears and is replaced with an eye roll. My 5-year-old still adores me. (Most of the time) He was thrilled when I visited the school today for an Easter party. (It may have been because I was carrying boxes of donuts, but I will pretend he was cheering was for me.) I don’t want politically correct lunatics to get their panties in a bunch. The kids didn’t complete dot to dot Jesus worksheets during the classroom Easter party. They played games, enjoyed a snack and went on an…
-
and the winner is….
We have our first winner in the monthly CynicalMother.com giveaway. As you can see the drawing was very official: Watch this video on YouTube Congratulations to Gayle Lander! You win this beautiful necklace: Don’t worry if you didn’t win. We will have another drawing next month for a cool prize. It’s simple to enter, just subscribe to CynicalMother.com. (Yep, enter your email in the box to left) The necklace was provided by Leann-Beads
-
Spring Essentials
Grab your puke bucket, (if you’re not a parent you may not have one. In that case, get to the nearest bathroom) Gwyneth Paltrow has a new blog post. Now, I like her as an actress. However, she is kind of out of touch with the average Joe. She released her list of “Spring Essentials.” Funny thing is the 3 pack of cotton Hanes Hipster panties are not on the list. Look, I am over the whole look at my sexy, uncomfortable underwear. At my age, I am anti-wedgie. I thought I was high-maintenance for requiring extra dressing when I order a salad. (Yeah, I splurge and pay the extra…
-
Say cheese!
It is no secret that I love shopping at thrift stores. I bought my son a Fisher Price Kid Tough Digital Camera from Goodwill. I paid 99 cents. Score! Right? Yes, until your child discovers another family’s photographs on the memory card. My daughter was playing with the camera while my son was at school. I encourage them to share, but it is like trying to convince Jared to eat something other than a Subway sandwich. It’s not going to happen. So, she waits until he leaves to break his stuff. She took the camera into her room to photograph her baby dolls. Who doesn’t want a picture of Baby…
-
Bad Lip Reading
I cannot believe it took me this long to find this YouTube Channel (Bad Lip Reading) Maybe I am easily entertained after watching cartoons all day, but I think this is fantastic. Watch this video on YouTube Stick with this one until Beyonce’s performance. It is worth it. Watch this video on YouTube
-
Trapped
“WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE,” my 3-year-old daughter shouted as if filming a scene in a Mission Impossible movie. We couldn’t. We were trapped between a salesclerk drowning in cologne and college students. They couldn’t decide between the shirt exposing their breasts or a skirt that left little to the imagination. My head was spinning. I couldn’t see the exit. The room was not built for a stroller. I kept bumping into metal racks. Muscle shirts were falling to the ground like autumn leaves. The room was dark. Bulbs meant for Light Bright dangled from the ceiling illuminating nothing. My eardrums were vibrating to the beat of blaring…
-
Leave a message
My goal is to raise my daughter to be an independent woman. I want her to have confidence, not to dance like a stripper at the Superbowl. I would also frown on her appearing on The Bachelor. Talk about girls with zero self esteem. You are fighting over a guy who makes a polygamist look monogamous. That dude is fooling around with every contestant in the house. Roses are $9.99 a dozen at Walmart. You don’t have to sell your soul for a flower. The lady on my daughter’s toy phone is just as pathetic as the bachelorettes. Watch this video on YouTube The first message seems harmless. She is…
-
Smarty Pants
My son is smarter than me. I can’t admit that to him. I don’t want a mutiny. The truth is I was barely a B student in school. He is a high honor roll student. The only award I recall receiving was in my senior year. I won “Biggest Ego.” I guess it’s not normal to have your locker lined with mirrors? I am kidding. You’ve seen the pictures. I was a late bloomer and a very insecure teenager. I guess I didn’t have enough abortions to win any other title. Oh, no she didn’t! Yes. I went there. Bitter is my middle name. My son had a 96 overall…