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Bad boys, bad boys…
I got pulled over this morning by a cop on a bike. This was not an episode of “Chips.” He was on a bicycle. A police officer on a mountain bike stopped me in my vehicle. He made the siren noise with his mouth. No, not really, but that would’ve been funny. I was at a stop sign, about six cars from the crosswalk, waiting for the crossing guard to guide some young lads to the other side. When I grow up I want the confidence of a crossing guard. She has no fear. She wears that neon jacket with pride and stops cars like…
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Funny farm
I am not perfect. I know, it may come as a shock to many of you. I forget things. If you ask my children’s teachers they will tell you that I forget a lot of things. I just remembered that I signed up to be chaperone for a school field trip to a farm. I’m sure that is real comforting for the parents of the children I will be guiding around a large tractor and hay bailer. Perhaps, I blocked out the trip because of the location. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a hard working farmer. I appreciate food that comes from farms, but why in the hell would…
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Rock, paper, scissors
I have a new hatred for the paper gowns at a doctors office. I sat in an exam room with an 8-year-old patient for 45 minutes. My son was scheduled for a checkup. It would have been a stress-free appointment had it not been for the constant rustling of the gown. Like most children, he cannot sit still. It’s no secret that I suffer from Misophonia. A crisp apple can send me over the edge. Being in a 10 x 10 room with a child in a paper gown is pure torture. I was on the verge of ripping the damn thing off him when the…
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Guessing Game
I am convinced my children were game show hosts in a past life. They are constantly making me guess things, but there is never a prize. Every statement begins with one question: “Guess what?” I am at a disadvantage. I would have to be the ‘Long Island Medium’ to guess correctly and that’s impossible because my curling iron retired in the 1990s. I recently jotted down some of the interesting things that followed after my children said, “Guess what?” Well, that’s a lie. I didn’t jot anything. Who jots anymore? We keep notes on our phones. ‘I typed on my phone’ just doesn’t have the same ring to…
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Conversations in the minivan
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Podcast
Here is another podcast for your listening pleasure. I am not pretending to be Howard Stern. It’s a work in progress. I celebrate small victories. For example, I finished this podcast without a single child asking for food. My children want a snack minutes before a meal begins and seconds after a meal ends. I am convinced they have tapeworms.
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Conversations in the minivan
Let’s talk Ebola & RHONJ.
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Tube socks and other pressing issues
I used to be a TV news reporter. I wore a lot of make up. It was like plaster. I don’t wear much anymore. (#LOOKATYOUROWNRISK) In this vlog you will see every nook and cranny. That’s life. I’ve earned each and every line. (….but #WILLWORKFORBOTOX) My mouth sparkles. Growing up, I went to a dentist in a town with one traffic light. He brushed my teeth and billed the insurance company. The end. I had better equipment in my play set at home. So, I got a few cavities. Back then, if you fixed the problem, you looked like Lil’ Wayne. (if he were poor) The fillings were silver. Nobody…
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Sticks and stones
I drive a minivan. I fought it for the longest time. I crammed my children into a SUV because I wasn’t going to be that mom. I was still cool. With the right Spanx and a little Botox I was still hot. Then, for the same reason people wear elastic pants I got a van. I wanted to be comfortable. I am comfortable when my kids are not arguing. If they couldn’t touch each other there would be less fighting. “His elbow is in my spot.” His elbow is connected to his arm. There is nothing I could do about that except get a vehicle with more space. I fell…
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Viral videos
Here are a few of my favorite viral videos posted on “The Facebook” today. A party isn’t a party until the DJ plays “Baby Got Back.” …and this one is sure to cure those Monday blues. This video is funny because these people cannot get off the float. Is there ever a graceful way to get down from an inner tube? The answer is no. There is also no way for an adult to maintain their dignity going down a children’s slide. I made the mistake of taking my daughter to a playground this past weekend after a wedding. I become a Crash Test Dummy whenever we visit the park.…