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5 Second Rule
I just read about a new study that debunks “The 5 Second Rule!” Researchers at San Diego State University found that bacteria can actually attach itself to food in seconds. I know y’all are probably wicked smart, but my reaction to your findings: No s***! Parents don’t actually believe it to be a legitimate rule. It just makes our lives easier. I can’t boil a pacifier every time it falls to the ground. Sure, first time parents are overly cautious. By kid #3 you don’t bat an eyelash if they eat dirt. No, I’m not going to allow my child to eat food off the floor of a gas station…
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Screenshot This
Recently, I wrote a piece voicing my opinion on the STFU Parents Blog. Blair Koenig, who operates the site, left a scathing comment and sent out a tweet. I expected it. I did not expect to receive offensive emails calling me a bad mother, crazy and even attacking my husband’s military service. Apparently you are not allowed to disagree with Blair. I know I am not the only one. It seemed the visitors coming to my site weren’t familiar with my sarcasm and sense of humor. I should have taken the high road, but decided to respond to her comment like I often do. Then, my supporters started getting…
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My Baby
My daughter isn’t a baby anymore. At least that is what she tells me every morning. I guess she wants to make sure I haven’t forgotten while she slept. It is like being punched in the gut. While cradling a doll in one arm and a blanket in another she will say, “Guess what?” I know what’s coming, but I don’t want to hear it. For her, it’s exciting to grow up. It breaks my heart. After two miscarriages I am pretty sure this is my last baby. I guess my dreams of becoming the next Kate Gosselin are over. Do you think Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise wants a woman…
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Flu Shot
Well, that went well. I was optimistic going into today. Sure, I had to take my children to get flu shots. Sure, I was outnumbered 3 to 1, but I am the parent. I had my purse stocked: I also didn’t tell them where we were going. Some parents believe you should be honest with your kids. I believe it is in everyone’s best interest not to have children screaming before we even walk into the doctors office. My 12-year-old new the deal. My 5-year-old figured it out the minute we sat down. I would love to tell you he handled himself with dignity and grace. I would be lying.…
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STFU people without kids
Believe me. I get annoyed with parents writing posts about their perfect children. I know it’s all BS and your child is really Satan. However, I actually enjoy looking at pictures my friends post on Facebook of their kids. Blair Koenig does not. This chick started a blog called STFU Parents. We all know a Blair. She is the bitter woman who doesn’t have children. She may not want them. Perhaps she is jealous because much of her adult life has been spent on a bar stool or hugging porcelain. Some of her stuff is really funny, but some of it is mean. There is a simple solution. Adjust the…
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Idiot!
My son got a yellow card. He didn’t delay the game or trip someone in a soccer match. He got in trouble in the cafeteria. Stand down Dr. Phill. I knew there was a problem when I picked him up. He walked slowly toward me, stared at the ground and mumbled, “My teacher wants to talk to you.” Great. What could he have possibly done? Did he recite a scene from “The Simpsons?” No, a 5-year-old shouldn’t watch that show, but Mommy can’t always be home. Sometimes Daddy makes poor decisions. What if he cursed? I will kill this little shit. My son started sobbing when the teacher began to…
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Steam Clean
I have come to the conclusion that the best baby shower gift is a steam cleaning machine. Before you are a parent you think you need stuff like a “Diaper Genie.” You can’t smell the dirty diapers that is until you open the lid. If you think shit smells bad, guess how good shit that has been stored for a few days in a plastic container smells? If that thing was a real genie it would make the diapers disappear. Registering for a baby shower alone is like drunk texting. You will regret it. Bring an experienced mother with you. I have used my steam cleaner more than my coffee…
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Spiderman is absent
My 5-year-old has been sick for two days. Initially, I thought I had been duped. The sneezing and coughing magically stopped after I decided he would stay home from school. He even asked if I would take him to the park. Honey, are those superhero masks cutting off oxygen to your brain? Hell to the no. Instead, he played with toys, video games and even made a brief appearance as Spiderman. He enjoyed ice cream and potato chips. We watched all his favorite TV shows. “This is what I’m missing when I go to school,” he said. Hardly. I am just trying to make up for my completely irrational reaction…
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Don’t copy!
Can anyone out there bail be out of jail? My 5-year-old son is turning me in. He is in kindergarten and just started bringing home small paper books. Get down from your tree hippie, I know all books are made out of paper. I mean, these are printed at the school. I’m sure they pay a publishing company a ridiculous amount of money for the right to copy 4 pages. I could have written these books myself. “I can run. You can run. We can run.” ( I think it’s pretty presumptuous of the author to assume we all can run.) There are a lot of popular children’s books written…
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Ponyboy
My son’s homework assignment brought back a flood of memories. His class is reading the coming of age novel, “The Outsiders.” The assignment was to complete the first chapter and list descriptions of each character. I told him I had a poster of Ponyboy and Johnny on my wall when I was younger. I think I cut it out of Tiger Beat Magazine. Whatever happened to C. Thomas Howell anyway? Me: “The Outsiders was made into a movie in the 80’s” My son: “You were alive in the 1980’s?” Me: “Yes. I was alive.” My son: “Wow. Did the movie have any special effects?” Me: “No, but it was a…