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La,la,la,la Elmo’s World
I think someone killed Elmo to make my new purse. I received it as a gift yesterday from my 5-year-old daughter. The purse was purchased at the Holiday Gift Shop at school. Every year I give my children money to shop. To outsiders, a.k.a. people without children, it may seem like I am just throwing money away. I might as well burn it. There is no denying the items for sale are crap. You are blinded by the ‘Made in China’ stickers at this shop. It sells everything from rings that turn your finger green, cheap plastic toys to the ever popular #1 dad mug. We have five in the…
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Rudolph the Red Nosed Car
I drove to work behind someone who dressed their car as a reindeer. It had antlers and a red nose. I don’t even have time to wash my car let alone dress it. My first car did wear a bra. Do you remember those? It was a Dodge Daytona with a spoiler and a bra. No, I did not grow up in New Jersey. It was the 90s and it came with it. Are people who decorate their car just trying to spread holiday cheer or is it a cry for help? There is a man in my town who glues decorations to a board and attaches it to his…
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Podcast
I know, I cannot believe this is free either. You lucky bastard.
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Will work for Botox
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Tube socks and other pressing issues
I used to be a TV news reporter. I wore a lot of make up. It was like plaster. I don’t wear much anymore. (#LOOKATYOUROWNRISK) In this vlog you will see every nook and cranny. That’s life. I’ve earned each and every line. (….but #WILLWORKFORBOTOX) My mouth sparkles. Growing up, I went to a dentist in a town with one traffic light. He brushed my teeth and billed the insurance company. The end. I had better equipment in my play set at home. So, I got a few cavities. Back then, if you fixed the problem, you looked like Lil’ Wayne. (if he were poor) The fillings were silver. Nobody…
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Sticks and stones
I drive a minivan. I fought it for the longest time. I crammed my children into a SUV because I wasn’t going to be that mom. I was still cool. With the right Spanx and a little Botox I was still hot. Then, for the same reason people wear elastic pants I got a van. I wanted to be comfortable. I am comfortable when my kids are not arguing. If they couldn’t touch each other there would be less fighting. “His elbow is in my spot.” His elbow is connected to his arm. There is nothing I could do about that except get a vehicle with more space. I fell…
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Epic Wedding Dance
This is how I am going to roll at my son’s wedding if I ever approve of the woman he wants to marry and allow him to get married, but I don’t see that happening. How could any woman compare to his beautiful, funny, thoughtful, loving mother? I pity the girl who tries to take him away from me.
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After Fourth Disease
My daughter has contracted, yet another illness. This latest diagnosis scared the hell out of me. It turned out to be far less serious than I thought. It got me thinking. Why would a medical professional give a viral infection such a chilling name. So, I wrote a short film about it. FADE IN A man with bushy sideburns is pacing back and forth in a medical research lab. The lights are dim. He is in deep thought and does not hear the door open. SCIENTIST #2 “Hey, what are you working on?” The frustrated scientist, who won’t realize how ridiculous his facial hair looks until his children snicker at old…
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Siri + preschooler = Friday night entertainment
There was a time when I spent Friday nights bar hopping with friends. How did the phrase “Bar Hopping” come to be? Did people hop to bars before the automobile was invented? Hopping is a lot of work. I would much rather skip or sidestep than hop. Hell, “Bar Galloping” would be easier, but I digress. My point is times have changed. My entertainment this evening came from a 4-year-old and Siri. This is the advertisement for Siri: Oh, really? That is not entirely true if a preschooler fires off questions. My daughter was telling Siri about the birthday party she attended today. Sure, my kid speaks in fragments followed…
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Southwest Comedian
I really hope we have this flight attendant on our next Southwest flight. To quote my southern friend, “She is a hoot.” I fly Southwest because I don’t want to sell my organs on the black market to pay baggage fees. I am dating myself here, but I remember when that was free and we got to eat peanuts on the plane. Those were the good ole’ days. Actually, I would sell my organs and soul for a direct flight. Why would you choose to make stops when traveling with children? That is like buying the 7 day yeast infection cream when there is a 1 day treatment plan.