Oh, Canada!

Canada is among the most peaceful nations in the land. Well, that is until you f*** with Santa Claus. Then, Canada will kick your ass. Police in Canada arrested a real life grinch for telling kids Santa wasn’t real. It happened during the annual Santa Claus parade in Kingston. The 24-year-old was apparently shouting to kids that Santa was hoax. He was drunk (surprise, surprise) and had gelled his hair to look like devil horns. His mother must be proud.

It is a ridiculous story. We lock our doors, warn children not to speak to strangers and yet I would allow a man to sneak in our house? He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. There aren’t any hidden cameras and Santa doesn’t have FaceTime kiddos. So, it is impossible. Besides, I would press charges against anyone stalking our family. I almost called the police on the gas man thinking he was just some weirdo lurking around the neighborhood. He was wearing acid wash jeans. Scary.

I have photographs of each of my three children crying hysterically at the mall. They are nestled on a stranger’s lap. A stranger who is dressed in costume and sitting on a King’s throne. Yet, I freaked out when a woman at the grocery store tried to touch my daughter’s hand. “She is so cute,” she squealed as she reached into the baby carrier. I went all Ralph Macchio on her. Wax on, wax off bitch!

My middle child is starting to question the validity of St. Nick. So, last year my husband went to extreme measures. He had him talk to Santa on his cell phone. Then, went outside at night and rang bells near his window. He bought it. Then again he thinks a fairy would pay money for old teeth.

I still remember when I learned the truth about Santa. I asked for a cheerleader doll for Christmas. She had blonde hair, a blue and gold outfit and pom poms. One day my aunt stopped by the house and went with my mother into her bedroom. The door was pushed shut, but didn’t close completely. I peaked through the crack and saw my mom pull a bag from her closet and how my aunt the cheerleader doll. I was so excited! My mom bought me the doll. Then, Christmas morning I opened a package that read “To: Deanna Love, Santa.” It was the cheerleader doll. My heart sank. I think my son will believe for another year. Well, that is, unless he runs into a drunken Canadian.

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Black Thursday

The Black Friday insanity is about to begin even earlier.  Walmart announced it is moving Black Friday sales to 8 p.m. Thursday.  Get ready to see even more folks with no business wearing spandex lined up outside your local store.   I actually did the Black Friday thing for the first time last year. I saw grown men rummaging through piles of shirts like savages.  There was a woman about to “cut a bitch” for a cheap crock pot.  I found a few good deals, but nothing worth waiting in line when the temperature is below freezing. Is it worth losing a finger for a discounted towel?

I’ve been told it is really about the adventure.  My two girlfriends plan their trip every year.   They don’t f*** around and have a well thought out strategy.  The shopping extravaganza ends with breakfast at a diner around 5 in the morning. I was such a wuss and  had to take a nap in the car.  I don’t think I will get an invite this year.

 

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