16 million?

There are some things in life you cannot explain. The fact that Kim Kardashian has over 16 million followers on Twitter is one of them. Really? There are 16 million people out there who give a s*** what she does on a daily basis. I went on her profile and saw tweets about shopping, more shopping and her “Best Birthday Ever.” Apparently, Kanye West whisked her off to Italy. Big deal. I’ve also spent birthdays enjoying tours of Italy at The Olive Garden. I appreciate the fact that Kanye West once tried to silence Taylor Swift. For the love of God, someone has to. I don’t enjoy listening to my children whine. I definitely don’t want to hear someone whine while playing a Banjo. Still, he is kind of a tool.

Clearly most of Kardashian’s followers are men who just want to see some T&A. These guys don’t order Cinemax to watch newly released movies.

Kim also tweets what designer she is wearing that day. My Tweet would read, “Wearing jeans I got on clearance at the Gap and a Faded Glory t-shirt.” The reality TV “star” was recently spotted strolling the streets of Miami wearing a revealing outfit. (She calls that Monday.) Didn’t you know butt-crack is the new black?

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Her mother must be so proud. I don’t care how old my daughter is I would be fuming if she walked around looking like Kit De Luca. I’m not a prude, but have some self respect.

Happy juice

Kids are very observant. Sometimes too observant. It turns out my son has been paying close attention when I make coffee each morning. I would love to go to Starbucks regularly. Unfortunately, I am not a Kardashian. I don’t whore myself out for the camera to make money. Maybe I should though? Those girls are rich. Anyway, my point is it can get expensive! Plus, the store in my town doesn’t have a drive-thru. I look like one of Honey Boo-Boo’s relatives in the morning. My hair is frizzy and I’m wearing sweatpants. The frizz reminds me of the time I got a bad perm. Why did we ever strive to look like a poodle?

I make my own version of a caramel macchiato at home. My espresso machine is smaller than a shoe box, but it does the trick. I have the caramel syrup and milk. I even purchased a vanilla syrup. Apparently, my son saw the bottle and thought I fell off the wagon. I was never on the wagon. There are days that my kids drive me to drink, but I binge on chocolate instead. I am hoping a flabby gut is chic this season.

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Anyway, he finally got the nerve to call me out. “You can’t drink and drive, mom!” I had to show him the bottle and allow him to smell the contents. Clearly, he has some trust issues. I am not pouring liquor into my drink. I would have laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation, but I hadn’t had my coffee yet.

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