#1 Mom

Dear Disney worker with the horrified look on her face as I put my children on a water slide kicking and screaming,

I know you think we are the worst parents in the world. There are days when I am ready to drink out of that coffee mug. However, today was not one of those days. I was sipping from the #1 Mom glass. No, not literally. I wasn’t drunk, but I wish I was.

I swear, my 4-year-old daughter asked to go on this slide. As a matter of fact, she loves rides. Just yesterday she was laughing on a roller coaster at Magic Kingdom. Meanwhile, I was seated beside her, eyes closed and on the verge of tears. I have never enjoyed rides. Never. I pretended to like them when I was a kid to look cool. With a hairdo like this, you have got to do what you’ve got to do.


Well, the mullet or whatever the hell that was is gone. I find no joy whatsoever in shi**ing my pants. If I wanted to have a panic attack, I would shop at Walmart on a Friday night. That is scary. I always thought When I am an adult I am done with amusement parks. One is very naive before her uterus gets to work. Fast forward three kids, a maze of stretch marks and one c-section scar later and I am back where I started. Once again, I have to suffer on spinning, turning and twisting rides to make children happy.

So, when my 14-year-old son declared, “we can all do this together” like some sort Jedi knight, I couldn’t back down. My kids were fine until it was our turn to board. Then, my 6-year-old son threw his hands over his eyes and began to sob. My daughter began crying, too. You thought she either (A.) felt badly for her brother or (B.) was afraid, too. Wrong! The answer was (C.) she cried for no reason at all. In fact, she could’ve even tell you why she was crying. You won’t find this chapter in the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book series, but it happens. Sometimes children cry over nothing. It’s like PMS, but much worse.
I was wiping away tears until they said in unison, “Let’s do that again!”


My children had an incredible time! They didn’t want to leave. My son even declared this to be “the best vacation ever!”

So, concerned Disney worker, there is no need to call social services.
Someday, you will be the one on the other side of the gate, defending your parenting skills in an online letter to a complete stranger.

Yours truly,

#1 Mom

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