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  • Covid-19 Homeschooling 101

    It feels like a year has passed since schools were shut down and my children began virtual learning. Each week teachers send a report. It has a long list of assignments your child should have completed by Friday. If scrolling through Facebook didn’t make you feel like an inferior parent before, the Karens have a new trick up their sleeves. They are determined to be the greatest homeschooling mom ever. They have busted out the white board, enforce strict schedules and lunchtime includes sandwiches cut into shapes. Their children are even doing extra credit. My daughter has learned how to sign “Basic Bitch” from a clip on Tik Tok. I…

  • Leather Tuscadero

    I ordered a pair of pleather pants. I don’t think I’m having a mid-life crisis. That would require a Corvette and gold chain. Perhaps, it was just a lapse in judgement. They are the “in thing.” I don’t know who decides what is trendy from season to season. Based on what I see in magazines, it must be dictated by a woman whose waist is smaller than my thigh or a man behind a curtain like the Wizard of Oz.  I would like a word with either one.  I have a bone to pick over the “cold shoulder” trend.  I get that, at my age, the sexiest thing on my…

  • Competition is not always a good thing

    There it was. Her photo. She is prettier than me, I thought.  She had a great smile. “Damn it,” I whispered as I scrolled through her Facebook profile. I bet she had braces.  She could be a toothpaste model. My teeth slant and are stained the color of my favorite latte. I heard she was smart, funny and some sort of an artist. She was an artist alright. She could make a masterpiece out of an Etch A Sketch. There was a sketch of The Joker, Superman and even the Pope. The only thing I ever managed to create on that thing was a box with uneven lines. I can barely…

  • Side Effects and Benefits

    When I was a teenager we sunbathed while lathered in baby oil.  I don’t think we ever applied sunscreen. We basically fried our bodies and nobody thought it was a bad idea. I also thought putting lemon juice in my hair would give me golden blonde locks.  Instead, I looked like a tomato and smelled like Pine sol.  I don’t need photos to remember those days. The wrinkles on my forehead are a constant reminder.  I’ve had an injection or two and have purchased enough anti-aging face cream to fill a small pool. Recently, a friend suggested I try a dermal-roller. What is that you ask?  It’s a small rolling…

  • In a carnival, of sights to see

    Carnivals are neat. Rides that travel at a high rate of speed, extreme heights or both are set up and operated by a person who took a training course. (Coincidentally, that is all that is required to operate a jet ski.) One doesn’t get a degree in Engineering to take a gig as a carny.  In many states 16 is considered an appropriate age to work as an amusement park ride operator. My son, at 16-years-old, couldn’t remember to put on deodorant. There was a 50/50 chance that he would brush his teeth on any given day. Yet, a teen can monitor the Gravitron? That being said we gleefully put…

  • The Graduate

    My oldest son graduated from high school over the weekend.  The day snuck up on me. It turns out 18 years isn’t long enough to prepare for a milestone of this magnitude.  When you’re a parent the days are long and nights are short. It seems you are always busy. When you have a newborn you long for the days when he can sit-up and sleep through the night.  Then, you tell yourself parenting will get easier when he can communicate and walk. It doesn’t. When you are caught in the middle of Target with a toddler having a temper tantrum you long for the days when he will go…

  • Right in the Trash!

    One more day. I only have to pack school lunches for one more day. It seems like an easy task. How long could it possibly take to throw a few things in a lunchbox? This is where people chime in about how  I need to enjoy these moments while I can. Time goes by so fast. I can hate packing lunches and love my child at the same time. There is something about cutting the crust off bread at 4 a.m. that can send one into a psychotic rage.   I accidentally bought American cheese last week. Do you remember the scene in “Sleeping With the Enemy” when Julia Roberts realizes…

  • All Rise!

    I thrive on spontaneity.  I’m not as spontaneous as the woman who flashed her breasts  when the Washington Capitals won the Stanley Cup. Her parents must be so proud. I often plan road trips days or even hours in advance. When I found out the New York Yankees were playing in Toronto last Wednesday I scouted several websites for tickets that morning.  I found three seats in section 113, Row 1 – which is in right field – for just $30 a pop.  People pay five times that for an dose of Botox. At least that’s what I have heard. I scooped up the tickets faster than President Trump can misspell a…

  • We all know Kate Spade

    You can hear me every morning on the radio – often cracking jokes; although many fall flat. I have been told my laugh is both contagious and annoying.  I am the first one to message or call a friend to cheer them up. I tell my children daily to count their blessings and not to let negative people bring them down. You can scroll through social media and see photographs of me smiling and laughing.  There are shots on vacation. However, you will never see a picture of my feet in front of a pool or ocean. When did people decide it was a good idea to put hammer toes and bunions…

  • My Memorable Trip to Mississippi

    Sixteen years ago I felt like a hero.  I registered to be a bone marrow donor and got the call. I was a match.  I could help save the life of a 4-year-old boy.  It felt like I had won the lottery.  Yes, my idea of winning big is having a giant needle inserted in my bone. I wish they would have warned me that I would be lying face down, bare assed in front of a surgical team during the procedure. I would have ordered Buns of Steel. I don’t know if I would have worked out, but I would have ordered it. Actually, the feeling was greater than…