I did something I have never done before and will never do again. I got on a hoverboard. I like to think I am a smart woman. I know my left hand from my right. I don’t put an s on anyway or misuse their, there or they’re. I have seen viral videos of people getting tossed on their keisters. There have been enough accidents that someone created a compilation of the most painful falls recorded. Mike Tyson couldn’t operate one. I don’t know why that is significant, but his name came up in a Google search so I thought it was worth a mention. I knew all of this, yet I still stepped on one of these death traps. I blame my co-worker who asked if I could bring it into the office so he could take it for a spin.
It has been sitting in my garage, uncharged since Christmas. I shelved that sucker the minute stories about hoverboard fires started crossing the news wires. My children haven’t asked for it. They take after their mother in the coordination department. I didn’t learn to ride a bike until I was 9-years-old. Nothing boosts your self esteem more than using training wheels in the fourth grade.
Before packing the board in my minivan I decided to step on to make sure it was charged. As I raised my foot my 6-year-old daughter said, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” I reminded her that I am an adult and knew what I was doing. I try to pull the ‘adult card’ once a month to remind her whose the boss. It didn’t work for Tony Danza and it doesn’t work for me either. I ignored her disapproving look, hopped on and it jolted forward. I tried to jump off, but only one foot made it to the ground. I was near the pantry and reached, arms flailing for anything to grab on to. It turns out a box of crackers cannot be used in case of an emergency. The box fell, sending orange fish flying everywhere. I reached for a door handle, but missed. I went down faster than Jeb Bush in the polls after a Republican debate. I landed hard and sat moaning in agony for a few minutes. After I caught my breath, I attempted to stand, but struggled like a newborn giraffe. My 6-year-old was standing above me as I moaned in agony. “Are you okay?” I assured her I was fine. She shook her head, her ponytail swaying from side to side and replied, “I told you so.” I was hurting the rest of the day. I iced my back at work and popped Ibuprofen.
You will not see video of my fall online. I am a grown adult who doesn’t record her mistakes.