Don’t forget the bug spray

Nothing prepares you for the day your 7-year-old asks, “What are tits?” It is
yet another chapter missing from the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting Series.”

I should have figured my day would end with a stellar conversation. It began in an equally dramatic fashion. My 4-year-old daughter has a mosquito bite. Translation: it is the end of the world. She noticed it while dancing in the mirror. She was singing, making faces and laughing. Her laughter can light up a room. It fills my heart with such joy. Then, she spotted it. There was a small red circle on her arm. If this were a movie the next scene would be shot in slow motion. She went to scratch it as I hollered, “Nooooooooo. Doooon’t Touuuch It!” Too late. She poked the bear. Now, it was my fault that it wouldn’t stop itching. “It itches! It itches!” She went from being a sweet American Girl Doll to Chucky.

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“Why won’t you make it stop itching?” she shrieked. Thousands of screaming girls at a One Direction concert would sound like a whisper compared to the noise my daughter was making over a bug bite. I finally convinced her to allow me to put Hydrocortisone on it. Growing up, my dad put Neosporin on everything. It was the miracle medication. Did you cut your hand off? Just apply some Neosporin. It usually worked. I felt better even if it didn’t because I trusted him. My daughter doesn’t believe me. She trusts a stranger in the mall with a 5 o’clock shadow, wearing a lint covered suit who says he lives in the North Pole, but doesn’t trust the woman whose womb she once called home. I needed a drink or two or three after dropping her off at school.

Her arm was no longer itching by the time I picked her up in the afternoon. That was a relief for both of us. Then, my son got in the car. He proceeded to tell me a story about a kid in his class who got in trouble for saying a bad word. I was thinking dummy, stupid head, jerk, etc. After all, it is second grade. “He said tits.” Gulp. “What are tits?” (Stunned silence). They are usually mosquito bites, unless you live in L.A.

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