Houdini

I have been told I have irrational fears. If that is true there are two reasons why. First of all, I have worked for over 10 years in TV news. Watch a 30 minute newscast and multiply that by a decade. I have seen some crazy s**t! On top of that, I am a parent. The minute you pop a baby out of your vagina the phrase “That could never happen” goes out the window. Case in point: my recent ordeal. I was driving the children and their friends home from school. I pulled in the driveway and heard a few seatbelts click. They were so excited to get inside and play. I was waiting for the garage door to open when my son called my name, his voice sounded panicked. I turned around and could not believe what I saw. My seven-year-old had the seat belt wrapped around his neck. It wasn’t just around his neck. It was tied in a knot and he couldn’t get it off You have got to be kidding me?

Unfortunately, this child has my coping skills. He was freaking out. I was relatively calm because shock had already set in. From the time I pulled into the driveway until the garage door opened he managed to accidentally tie a noose around his neck. Did I birth f**king Houdini? My driveway is not really long. He is not a Boy Scout. He still forgets how to tie his shoes from time to time. Yet, he managed to tie something that was impossible to loosen?

I sent the other children inside. No matter what I did the strap tightened around his neck. He could breathe, but he was scared. Meanwhile, “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” was playing on the DVD player. “Wa-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah” is even more annoying when you have a child tied up and screaming in a minivan. It was definitely a Calgon moment. The neighbors must have thought I was beating my son. I told him if I couldn’t get him out I would cut it, but first I was going to call grandpa to see if he could help. Even at my age I call my my dad to fix everything. He couldn’t get him out either. I laughed as I walked into the house to get a pair of scissors. I wasn’t taking joy in my son’s suffering. I was dumbfounded. I am used to chaos. I know on any given day a child in my house will miss the toilet bowl. I am ready when they spill things on the floor. I even expect them to break things on occasion. I didn’t expect my son to tie himself up in the van. It’s kind of frightening that it was even possible. I called Honda to see if the seatbelt would be covered under my extended warranty. The operator told me that if I had driven the vehicle to a Honda dealer it would have been. However, it is not covered because I cut it off. The nearest Honda dealer was 45 minutes away. It’s going to cost nearly $300 to fix. I suppose it’s a small price to pay for a valuable lesson. My son will never put anything around his neck ever again.

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